Blind Loyalty
by JudithG41
Summary: This came into my head one day when I found out there should have been an episode with Starsky being blind. I know it's probably medically so incorrect BUT I had to have things work out in the end and it was more about delving into the characters and their support system. Besides I loved Starsky too much not to have it end well. It's long I know but please bear with it and be kind.


_Disclaimer: -_

_This story has been going around in my head ever since I found out that it was planned to have an episode of S &amp; H with Starsky becoming blind. This is my version of events and I apologise for any medical facts that are incorrect. My excuse is that this is fiction and I had to make sure that everything worked out right in the end so I've probably stretched a lot of things here. My only other apology is for the length, I only hope that you think it worth sticking_ _with._

BLIND LOYALTY.

CHAPTER ONE

Detective Dave Starsky sat staring at the typewriter. He and his partner had had a long couple of days and nights chasing up leads, on stakeouts, working the streets until they had finally nailed the villain they had been after. He had barely slept for forty- eight hours and he couldn't remember when he had last eaten. The only thing keeping him going right now was an ample supply of coffee and a bottle of Aspirin. As he continued to stare at the paper in the machine in front of him the words became a jungle of letters that had no meaning. Sighing, Starsky rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands, then reached into his jacket pocket for the tablets. His head was killing him and all he wanted to do was to go home and sleep. Hutch though, was nowhere to be seen and he was having to write up the report on their arrest before any details could be forgotten. This was one guy who would be off the streets for a long time if he had anything to do with it.

As Starsky poured himself yet another cup of black coffee the door opened and a smiling Hutchinson entered the room and sat at Starsky's desk to see what he had typed so far.

"Hey Starsk, not got very far have you. I'd have thought you'd have finished this little job by now and we could go get some lunch."

Hutch hadn't even glanced at Starsky so he failed to notice the way his partner was looking. If he had he might have been a little more careful in what he said but, as it was, he ploughed on.

"Come on now buddy. You missed out the name of that young kid, the one who showed us where Patterson dropped the bag with the 'Coke' in. What was his name now?…Um… Yeh, I remember, Collins. That was it. Here, let me add it in for you."

Hutch started to type. His mouth fell open as he saw a hand come down from behind him, grab the report and rip it roughly from the machine. Turning his head he was just in time to see a furious Starsky throw the report into the bin. This was followed by him roughly grabbing all the files on the case and depositing them, unceremoniously, in Hutch's lap.

"Tell you what MR. SWELL HEAD. If my reports not good enough for you then damn well do it yourself. As for me I'm sick and tired of your academic attitude and your put-downs. Tell you what Hutch, if I'm not good enough for you I can go in Dobey's office right now and ask to be reassigned. You can find someone of your superior intellectual level to work with. I've had enough." So saying Starsky swept his desk clear of everything on it with one sweep of his arm and strode from the room.

For a full minute Hutch was frozen to the spot aware of the astonished stares from those around him. He hadn't meant anything by his words, in fact he would often banter with Starsky this way after a particularly heavy case, it gave them both a chance to lighten up. He had never seen Starsky like this before and it unnerved him. Deciding something must be badly wrong he shook himself into action and strode off after his partner. From the door Hutch could see Starsky thump the call button for the elevator. He called after him but Starsky either couldn't hear, or chose to ignore him. He wasn't sure which but prayed that it was the first choice. Running down the corridor Hutch put his hand on Starsky's shoulder just as the elevator doors opened.

"Starsk, wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Funny, you never do Hutchinson." Starsky glared and Hutch inwardly shrank at the use of his full name. "Well this time you've gone too far. I'm going home and I'm locking the door and taking the phone off the hook. You want reports written then YOU write them. I've had enough." Starsky stepped into the elevator.

"Starsky for goodness sake. Stop playing the downtrodden victim and talk to me." Hutch was beginning to lose his temper now.

"I'll show you who the victim is shall I Hutch?" Starsky turned from his friend then abruptly swung back, his fist hitting Hutch square on the jaw. "Now who's the victim?"

Hutch hit the floor with a resounding bang and was so shocked at the punch that he remained where he had landed. He stared aghast as the doors of the elevator closed behind Starsky unable to believe, or make sense, of what had just happened.

Groggily, Hutch got to his feet and ran for the stairs. He arrived panting at the bottom just as Starsky reached the outer door of the station. Head down Starsky was almost running and he failed to see Captain Dobey coming the other way. The two collided and Dobey growled at his detective angrily.

"Watch where you're going Starsky. Where's the fire anyway?"

The delay gave Hutch time to catch up with his partner and this time he grabbed his arm and swung him round to face him.

"Starsky, ease up will you. For God's sake, this is crazy. Tell me what the matter is." Hutch looked pleadingly at his friend and Dobey looked on in amazement. He couldn't remember ever seeing Starsky look so angry or coldly at his friend, nor Hutch look so vulnerable. He could see the beginnings of a bruise beginning to form on Hutch's face and could only guess at what had occurred before this. He decided to act quickly before Starsky had the chance to carry out a repeat performance.

"Starsky, Hutchinson, my office now, and wait for me there." Dobey barked out his order and looked defiantly at the two officers daring them to disobey. If either did he would make sure they were on traffic duty for at least a month.

Hutch turned and walked back towards the elevator. Starsky though glared at his superior for a full minute debating whether to walk on past and leave. He finally decided better of it and slowly sauntered towards the elevator where Hutch was holding the doors open waiting for him. At the doors Starsky stopped and stared Hutch in the eye before shaking his head and turning for the stairs. Hutch could only watch hopelessly as Starsky walked through the door and climbed the stairs two at a time.

"What the hell was that all about Hutchinson?" Dobey had followed Starsky to the elevator door and had watched the interchange between the two with worry. Something serious must have occurred to cause such a break up between these two and the thought unnerved him. If it was as bad as it seemed then he was going to have a heck of a job trying to sort it out and get things back to what passed for normal around here.

"Wish I knew Cap. Maybe he'll talk to you. He sure as hell won't talk to me!" Hutch sighed and releasing the doors he and Dobey allowed the elevator to take them both to the next floor.

When they arrived at their floor Hutch and Dobey made a beeline for the office only to find Starsky already there, lounging in a chair, his feet up on the desk. Dobey knocked them off as he went past and sat in his chair. This looked like it was going to be a long haul and he figured that he might as well be comfortable. Looking hard at the two men in front of him however he began to feel decidedly uncomfortable. Usually these two presented a united front, both working towards the same ends. Now the two sat as far apart as it was possible to be and still be in the same room. Starsky's head was down, his arms folded firmly across his chest. Hutch sat nervously on the other side of the room, his eyes clearly showing his bewilderment in the situation. Dobey took a deep breath and began.

"Okay, who wants to go first? One of you two gonna tell me why my best pair of detectives are acting like a coupla' kids?"

Dobey looked from one man to the other but neither seemed willing to try and explain their behaviour. In truth Hutch could only partly explain. Sure, he had been a little condescending in his remarks, but nothing that Starsky wasn't used too and usually was able to counter with some acidic remarks of his own.

Starsky for his part was reluctant to even begin to explain. All he knew for sure right now was that his head hurt tremendously as if a dozen men were inside squeezing at his brain. He had never felt pain like it and it was frightening him. All he wanted to do was get away from here, go home and get some rest. For once he didn't really care about Hutch or anyone else for that matter, it was taking all of his powers of concentration to stay aware of what was happening around him.

"Okay," Dobey sighed, "Starsky, what say we go from what caused you to hit Hutch, and it had better be good." The older man glared at the younger and tried to read the others eyes. Starsky though seemed reluctant to hold his gaze, preferring to focus on a point somewhere over his shoulder. When Starsky finally spoke it was almost a whisper and both Dobey and Hutch had to strain to hear the words.

"I've had enough of his put downs Cap, simple as that. I'm sick and tired of being the doormat in this partnership. He can find someone else to wipe his feet on." Starsky was aware of the hurt on Hutch's face but he refused to look at him.

Hutch's jaw dropped, his face distraught. Dobey looked astonished at Starsky's words. This was more serous that he first realised and he was unsure as to how to continue. Knowing he needed to get to the bottom of it quickly he looked at Hutch.

"Okay Hutchinson. Want to tell me your side of this?" he waited expectantly.

Hutch took a deep breath, trying to control the aching feeling in his chest.

"I said some things Cap. It was just a joke, same as always. I never meant for him to take things so seriously. I've tried to say sorry but he won't listen." 

Starsky flew to his feet and instantly regretted it.

"My fault again Hutchinson. Has anyone ever told you you're one bigheaded son of a .."

Starsky felt the room around him begin to swim. The belt around his head was tightening and the pain was becoming intolerable. Suddenly he was unable to focus on anything around him and he held his arm out desperately trying to steady himself. A sharp, intense burst of pain shot through his head causing him to hold his head in his hands and groan with pain, clearly visible on his face, as he screwed his eyes shut. Gently falling to the floor, as if in slow motion, one word escaped his lips.

"Hutch." Starsky collapsed on the floor in a silent heap.

CHAPTER TWO.

When Starsky came around he knew without being told that he was, once again, lying in a hospital bed. The smell of antiseptic and the quiet hum of machines told him. He had heard and smelt them so many times before there could be no doubt in his mind. He lay, eyes closed, listening to the noises around him, trying to make out who was near. His head still felt like it would explode and he was frightened to open his eyes. He was vaguely aware that his right hand was being firmly held and he knew without having to see that it was Hutch. Somewhere to his left he could hear someone moving around. His arm suddenly felt cold and he could smell antiseptic close by. He felt a sharp prick in his arm and involuntarily he winced. Almost immediately he heard a familiar voice quietly speaking to him.

"Starsk. Come on Buddy. Open your eyes and look at me will ya?"

Starsky desperately wanted to keep them closed but he could hear the worry in his friend's voice. Slowly and carefully he opened them, remembering all too clearly the blurred vision earlier. Turning his head slightly he tried to focus on the figure next to him. All he could make out, through a hazy mist, was a dark shape against the sunlight coming in through the window. It took a supreme effort on his part not to let his fear show and instead he smiled at what he knew to be his partner. The smile never quite reached his eyes though and Hutch was instantly alerted.

"Hi buddy, how you doing? You gave us all quite a fright back there." Hutch spoke quietly, his hand never loosening its grip on Starsky's.

Starsky was grateful for the contact as something real to hang on to in this frightening and unknown world in which he found himself. Moistening his lips he tried to speak. His mouth was dry and his throat closed so it was all he could do to whisper.

"Hi!"

From somewhere behind Hutch he could just make another figure coming towards him. A deep voice spoke from somewhere above Starsky's head and he identified it at once as that of Captain Dobey.

"Take it easy son, here, drink a little water."

Starsky felt the cup against his mouth and he gratefully drank a few sips.

"Thanks Cap." Starsky licked his dry lips. "What happened?"

Dobey's voice again. "You passed out son, been out of it for a couple of hours. They've done some tests, the Doctor will be back in a minute and he'll be able to tell us some more. Right now though you just rest easy".

"Hutch, those things I said…I'm… I'm sorry Hutch, I never meant them… it's just… my head was killing me and you were nowhere around and…" 

"Shh Starsk. It's okay. I know you didn't mean them. Besides, I deserved something for leaving you in the lurch like that. I know you hate paperwork."

Hutch's voice became softer as he looked at his friend lying in the bed. Starsky's face was almost white and he was obviously in a lot of pain. There was something else too, that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

"Why didn't you say something Starsk? I'd have understood if you'd said you weren't well."

Starsky felt Hutch's fingers gently push his hair back off of his face and he struggled not to let the tears flow. He was spared any further conversation by the door clicking open and he could hear footsteps coming towards him. A strange voice spoke from somewhere to his left and he turned his head to face it.

"Well Detective Starsky. You're finally back with us I see."

The voice was confident and yet there was something about it which unnerved both Starky and Hutch. They had heard news, both bad and good, delivered to them from so many Doctors that they were both experts on the manner in which this news was delivered. Both men knew that what this particular Doctor had to say was not good news and both men automatically braced themselves for the verdict whilst not really wanting to hear it.

" Gentlemen." The Doctor turned his attention to Hutch and Dobey. "I understand that you are neither of you related to Detective Starsky is that correct."

Dobey merely nodded. Hutch glared at the man standing across the bed and his voice when it came was cold and clipped.

"No Doctor, we are not related. What exactly are you trying to say?"

Starsky could feel the tension in Hutch through the hand still firmly holding his and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Easy Hutch, easy. Don't shoot the messenger, it's not his fault."

Starsky paused, then taking a deep breath for strength he knew that he was going to need, he turned his face back to the doctor.

"Okay Doc. Lets have it, all of it. Before you start though, understand one thing. Hutch and I may not be related but he's more like a brother to me than my real one. He cares what happens to me, Nick never has. As for Captain Dobey, well, he's a bit like a father so anything you've got to say they need to hear. There's only two other people that really matter. One probably doesn't know I'm here yet or he'd be bringing me in a doggy bag. The other is my Mother and Hutch will let her know what's happening as soon as he has too. So… Let's have it shall we Doc."

The Doctor stood for a moment taking in as much information as he could from the man lying on the bed. He had already glanced at his medical file and knew that this young man had spent more than enough of his life in and out of hospital for reasons connected to his profession. What he was about to tell him now though seemed somewhat unjust and he hoped that the tall, blond holding on to his hand was really as strong as he looked. His patient was going to need all the support he could get in the next few weeks.

"Detective Starsky" he glanced again at his notes, "Dave, I'm afraid the test results aren't conclusive as yet but what I do have isn't the best news in the world."

He stopped to watch the impact on both men's faces. Starsky's expression hadn't altered, Hutch's, on the other hand, had softened as he sat looking at his friend. The Doctor saw the almost imperceptible movement closer towards Starsky and felt grateful. Here was a man, he thought to himself, who would not turn and run as so many of his patients 'friends' did when faced with bad news.

"How long have you been experiencing headaches Dave?" The Doctor spoke quietly and precisely.

Starsky blinked as he tried to remember the first time he had woken to the dull ache behind his eyes. It had been the morning after a long stake out which had proven fruitless. He had taken a couple of aspirin and gone to work expecting it to wear off during the day. Instead it had remained with him and he had been forced to call off a date, choosing instead to go to bed for some well deserved rest. When he had woken the next morning the ache, although not completely gone, was barely noticeable and he had carried on as normal. Over the next couple of months it had gotten worse or better depending on what he had been doing but it had never completely gone away. This last fortnight though it had increased ten fold until it had become almost unbearable and he had found himself living on aspirin. He knew that he should see someone about it but the longer it went on the more scared he had become of the result. Now it seemed that those fears were fully justified.

"About three months I guess Doc". Starsky answered as truthfully as he could and he could hear the sharp intake of breath from Hutch.

"Why didn't you say something before Starsk?" Hutch's calm, quiet voice held a tiny tremor.

"What, and have your Mother Hen routine again! Sorry Hutch, but I've had enough of that these last few months. Go on Doc."

"Your friend is right, you should have come to see us sooner. I'm afraid you have a tumour Dave. It's not too big that we can't do something about it but it's big enough to make our job a lot harder and the risks to you a lot higher." The doctor paused for this information to sink in before continuing. "We don't know yet, and without further tests we won't know, whether it's benign or otherwise. However, we do know that if something isn't done soon then you'll lose your sight for good. What I feel sure you are experiencing now should begin to improve soon with the drug I just gave you. It will relieve a little of the pressure and you should be able to focus properly. In the meantime you need to rest and let the drugs do their work."

The Doctor paused to see the effect his words were having on those around him. On the mention of the word 'tumour' Hutch's face had become ashen, his eyes widening in dismay. Dobey had simply walked up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder knowing that he would need support and offering it in the only way he could. As the Doctor had said about Starsky not being able to see Hutch realised exactly what it was that he had been unable to put his finger on earlier. Starsky seemed to be looking either right through him or just past him whenever he spoke to him. Quietly he raised his hand and waved it in front of his partner. There was no reaction and Hutch's heart sank to rock bottom. _'Oh Starsk. Why'd you shut me out? You never have before.' _The thought came unwelcome to his mind.

The reaction from his patient was the only one that surprised him. Starsky lay unmoving on the bed. His face had shown no flicker of emotion as he had spoken. It was as though what was being said was about someone else, or that it didn't matter that he had just pronounced a possible death sentence. Starsky simply lay there staring at the ceiling.

"So what now Doc?" Starsky finally broke the silence of the room. His voice was calm and gave no indication to the way he felt.

"Well, like I said, we need to carry out a few more tests. I've scheduled those for this afternoon. In the meantime you need to get some rest. Once the tests are over, and I'm sure you can see properly again, then you can go home. Do whatever you would normally do. I'll contact you in a few days when we have the results and we can decide what action to take."

"One thing Doc. If this thing isn't benign… What then?" Starskys vision was beginning to return and he could just make out the doctors face. He was looking directly at him. Long years interrogating suspects had given him the edge when it came to reading things behind the words. If this guy were holding anything back he would know it and if he was going to get through the next few hours then he needed to know the truth. A thought came unbidden to his mind '_Hutch needed to know it too'._

The doctor looked again at his patient and something about his eyes told him that it would be no good holding anything back.

"If it turns out to be a malignant tumour then I'm afraid that there's little we can do other than make you comfortable and ease the symptoms. You'll lose your sight completely I'm afraid, sooner rather than later, then gradually the pain will increase until it becomes unbearable without strong medication. After that, well, how long would be anybody's guess but I'd say about two months at the most. I'm truly sorry."

So saying the Doctor turned and left the room leaving the three men to fully comprehend what he had just said.

CHAPTER THREE.

Starsky lay in the bed, his mind racing. If the Doctor's worst scenario was right then he had maybe three months left. Would that be long enough, he thought, to make sure that Hutch would survive? He had to make sure that his friend would be looked after. He couldn't afford to wallow in self-pity; he had a job to do. The only thing he was unsure about was how to go about it. How did you prepare your best friend in the whole world for your death? Many times over their years as partners he had said a silent prayer for Hutch's survival and it had always been granted. Did he have any chances left he wondered as he once again prayed for the strength to see Hutch through this as far as he could.

Hutch too was praying silently. '_This isn't fair Lord. He's not supposed to go like this. Not in some hospital bed hooked up to machines and depending on drugs to stop the pain. You can't take him; I still need him to keep me sane. He's my backbone Lord, without him I don't know how I can go on.'_

"Cap, can you give us a minute please?" Starsky looked at the dark man standing behind his partner, his hand on Hutch's shoulder and his face filled with pity.

"Sure Starsky. I'll be outside Hutch." Dobey followed the Doctor through the door shaking his head. Life was unfair he thought but this was one of the most unfair things he could imagine.

For a few minutes neither man spoke, each lost in their own thoughts. Starsky's vision had returned and he could see the anguish in Hutch's eyes. It was mirrored in his own heart but he fought desperately not to let it show. He had to be strong for Hutch's sake.

"Hey Blintz. Look at me will ya?" Starsky willed his voice to be firm and unwavering. "Listen to me Hutch. It's not your fault. This one's down to the man upstairs. Nothing you can do about it so stop punishing yourself. I need you Hutch, now more than ever. Don't you dare go all weepy on me or you can leave now. Walk away and don't come back. You hear me?"

Hutch flinched at Starsky's words and the tone in which they were delivered. A buried memory came into his mind as he recalled a similar time when a Doctor had pronounced a death sentence on his friend. _'He said he hates soapy scenes!'_ Shaking himself Hutch forced a grin on to his features,

"Sorry buddy but you don't get rid of me that easily. I intend to be around for as long as you need me. Guess you get to put up with a little more of the 'Mother Hen' routine again._ 'Oh Starsk! Then I could DO something positive. This time I'm helpless to prevent it.'_

For a spilt second a grin spread across Starsky's face, not quite reaching his eyes. Then, just as suddenly it disappeared and Starsky looked earnestly at his friend.

"Do me a favour will ya Hutch? Don't tell anyone, at least not until we have too. Not Huggy, and especially not Ma. Promise me?" Starsky looked directly at his partner and his eyes spoke the words he was unable to add.

Hutch simply nodded. He read the pain and anguish hiding deep in his friend and determined not to betray it. "Get some rest now buddy. I'll be back later before they start their tests, okay!

As Hutch got up to leave Starsky held on to his hand for a few moments, giving it a tight squeeze. Then he let it go and closed his eyes. He was exhausted, both physically and mentally, and needed to rest. Right now all he wanted was to get off of this roller coaster of emotion that he was trying to control. As Hutch left the room he finally allowed the dam to break and the tears began to flow uncontrolled down his cheeks.

CHAPTER FOUR.

Lying back on the examination table Starsky stared hopelessly at the ceiling. Somewhere across the room he knew Hutch was waiting for him, ready to take him home.

It had taken a long time but he had finally fallen asleep after Hutch had left earlier and had woken a couple of hours later when a nurse gently shook his shoulder.

"Sorry Detective Starsky, but it's time to start the rest of your tests now. The Doctors are waiting for you and your partner is outside, he's coming with us."

Starsky looked into deep brown eyes, the owner of whom was bending over him in gentle concern. He smiled at her but found himself unable to reply. Slowly she helped him to get off of the bed and into the waiting wheelchair. She had pushed him as far as the door when Hutch had appeared from nowhere and taken over. That was how it had continued for the rest of the afternoon. Starsky had been taken from room to room and every time Hutch had been there, wheeling him when needed, helping him wherever necessary. Starsky was beginning to resent it and he longed to be able to tell Hutch to leave him alone, that he could manage. Only the knowledge that Hutch needed to do all these things for him stopped him from speaking.

Finally the last examination was over, the final test complete and Starsky was able to get up. He was shown into a small cubicle where he could get dressed into the clothes Hutch had brought in for him. His headache had eased tremendously with the drugs he had been given but it still caused him to go dizzy whenever he bent down. As a result it took him some time to do up his trainers and when he eventually left the cubicle the Doctor was talking to Hutch. Both men looked up as he came out and Hutch grinned at him, holding something up in his hand.

"Hey Starsk, got your magic pills." Hutch shook the bag in front of him and Starsky pulled a face.

The Doctor took a couple of steps towards Starsky.

"I'll contact you in about four days Dave. I'll have more answers for you then. In the meantime though try and take things a little easy. I know it's difficult in your job but try anyway! If, for any reason you need to talk to someone or if you experience any problems, however small, please don't hesitate to contact me. Oh, and remember, chances are this thing is benign, in which case we can deal with it."

As the Doctor walked away Starsky turned and almost ran along the corridor. He needed to get out of this place, to breathe fresh air and to feel the sun on his face again. Hutch, caught unawares, finally caught up with him at the hospital doors. Opening it they both stepped through and Starsky paused for a few moments at the top of the steps.

"Feel that Hutch?"

Hutch turned to look at him. Starsky was standing, head slightly tilted to the right, facing into the stiff breeze that was blowing. His eyes were scanning the sky above him and he had an unreadable expression on his face. He dropped his gaze to look at Hutch.

"Strange isn't it Hutch, how you never notice the colour of the sky or the touch of the wind yet it's always there, every single day of your life. Never had time to look at it before." Starsky slowly walked down the steps and into the waiting car.

They arrived back at Starsky's apartment and Hutch unlocked the door for them both. Starsky had hardly spoken on the journey home; instead he had stared blankly out of the window. Now he walked into his apartment as though nothing was wrong. Striding into the kitchen he grabbed the coffee pot, Hutch could hear him slamming the cupboard doors.

"Hey Hutch, you eaten? I've got some casserole left over from yesterday in the fridge. Won't take me long to warm it through." Starsky's voice seemed to come from nowhere as it echoed across the room. "There's a beer in the fridge if you'd rather."

Starsky's face appeared over the top of the breakfast bar, his face questioning.

"No thanks Starsk, coffee's fine."

Hutch watched as his partner busied himself in the kitchen. Typical Starsky he thought. If this were the other way around he'd be wanting to sit down and talk, to listen. Instead here he was, acting as though everything was fine. Hutch sighed louder than he meant to and Starsky heard him.

"Listen Hutch, you're tired. Why don't we forget this and you can go home and get some sleep? We can talk in the morning when I pick you up for work."

Hutch's jaw dropped open and he stared incredulously at Starsky. Finally finding his voice he almost shouted at his friend.

"STARSK WILL YOU STOP THIS NOW!" Striding further into the apartment Hutch threw the tablets onto the table closely followed by Starsky's keys.

Starsky came out of the kitchen, his face hard and his violet blue eyes full of fire.

"Stop what Hutch?" His voice was low and carefully controlled.

"Dammit Starsk. You know exactly what I mean. Stop pretending everything's 'hunky dory'. You're acting like nothings happened. What makes you think you can go to work for Christ's sake?"

Hutch was angry now. All of his pent up anguish was coming out in one gush and it was being directed at the only person around. Normally Starsky would have allowed it to happen knowing Hutch needed to let his feelings out before he could begin to handle them properly. This time wasn't normal though. For Starsky nothing would ever be normal again. His voice became hard and cold.

"Why shouldn't I go to work Hutch? Give me one good reason. You heard the Doc. 'Do what you normally do', that's what he said. Well I normally go to work Hutch so I'm going and if you don't like it then tough."

"Starsky you can't, Dobey wouldn't allow it and neither will I."

"Since when did you tell me what I could and couldn't do partner. Who appointed you my guardian anyhow? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go to work." Starsky's eyes were blazing now.

"Okay..Okay, you want me to spell it out for you, fine I will? You're sick Starsk, dammit you could be dying…."

Hutch stopped as suddenly as he had begun with instant regret. He watched as Starsky visibly shrank in front of him. The cold hardness was gone and in its place was the look of a lost and vulnerable child. He stood looking at Hutch as though he desperately needed to be held and comforted and when he spoke his voice was almost impossible to hear. Hutch had heard the same words from Starsky only once before, in a police lab, years ago.

"I'm scared Hutch".

Hutch strode forward gathering his friend into his arms.

"I know Starsk. I know. I'm here buddy. I'm here."

CHAPTER FIVE.

The two friends sat side by side on the couch talking well into the night. The only time either rose was to get a drink or use the toilet. By three a.m. they had talked themselves hoarse and both were falling asleep. Starsky rose from his seat and headed into the bedroom returning a few seconds later with some blankets. Handing them to Hutch he turned and headed back to the bedroom. At the door he stopped and turned to say something but Hutch was already fast asleep, the blankets in a heap at the bottom of the couch. Quietly Starsky went back across the room and, picking up the blankets, he laid them over Hutch. For a second he stood looking down at the sleeping form. He was truly lucky, he knew, to have such a friend.

"Night Hutch" he whispered and made his way back into his bedroom. He was too tired to bother undressing and he lay on top of the bed. Two minutes later he was fast asleep.

Hutch woke the next morning to the sun streaming in through the window. As usual after a night on Starsky's couch his whole body ached and he had to slowly unfold himself and stretch cramped limbs into action. Looking around he could see no sign of his friend, which was hardly surprising he realised, considering the time they had gone to sleep last night. Walking quietly across the room Hutch gently turned the knob and pushed the door open expecting to see Starsky curled up as he usually was. In sleep Starsky always reminded Hutch of a little child, curled into a ball with his arms wrapped protectively around himself. The only thing missing in the scene was a teddy bear. This morning though there was no sign of his childlike partner. The bed had been made and Starsky's trainers were missing from the side of the bed.

Hutch almost ran from the room, his eyes darting around the apartment as he searched for any sign of Starsky, but he could find none. A sudden thought flashed through his mind and he returned to the bedroom, this time going straight to the wardrobe. Starsky's leather jacket was missing, along with his berretta. Galvanised into action now Hutch ran to the front door, grabbing his jacket on the way. Starsky's car was still outside so he couldn't have gone far Hutch reasoned. But could he? Hutch had no way of knowing what time he had left the apartment. Trying to control his fear Hutch took several deep breaths and tried to think. Where would his partner have gone so early in the morning?

As Hutch ran through every possibility in his mind one answer eventually came to the forefront and he almost kicked himself for not thinking of it earlier. Racing back into the apartment Hutch gathered up the keys to the Torino and raced back out, carefully locking the door behind him. It was still early so the streets were still relatively empty and Hutch made good time as he sped towards the cemetery. Pulling up at the gates he ran past the rows of gravestones until he came to the right place. Stopping at the end of a row, which lay under some trees, Hutch looked along the row at the lone figure standing at the far end. Starsky was standing, hands in his pockets, staring into space in front of Terry's grave. Slowly, not wishing to intrude but needing to know that his friend was all right, Hutch walked along the row. Coming to a halt next to his partner he looked down at the headstone in front of him.

"You gave me a fright buddy. Why didn't you wake me? We could have come together."

Starsky lowered his eyes from the sky to look at the gravestone.

"Sorry Hutch. I just needed to be here, ya know! Terry would understand better than anyone, even you Hutch." Starsky's eyes were far away. "She said… She wanted to live her life Hutch and I know now what she meant. At the time I didn't… but now…" Again Starsky paused, then he turned and looked Hutch full on. "If this thing is malignant Hutch then I want to live my life too. I have to. If that means going out on the streets and getting shot at then so be it. It's what I do Hutch, part of what I am and I can't let this thing in my head take that away from me or I might just as well give up right here and now. It'll have won without a fight and I can't, I WON'T let that happen. You understand Hutch?"

Starsky was looking at Hutch now in a way he had never seen before. It was a mixture of determination and pleading. Hutch swallowed hard as his throat began to close up. Starsky was speaking again.

"It's down to you Hutch. I don't know what's gonna happen with this thing. I could be fine one minute and as blind as a bat the next. It's your life too Hutch, I might not be able to back you up when you really need me, but I'd sure as hell try. I need to carry on, the same as always, but if you say no then I'll understand. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt because of me."

Hutch finally found his voice. "Starsk, I know I can never replace Terry but I do understand. You're my partner Starsk, but more than that, you're my best friend. You and I have been through more than any two people should ever have too, but we made it through. We made it because we were together, all the way buddy, 'Me and Thee' remember. I'd rather have you beside me than anyone I know because I know that you'd die to prevent anything happening to me, whatever condition you were in. I'd do the same for you too. You understand what I'm saying Starsk? We're together, all the way, same as always. And if things get bad well… I'm here Starsk. I promised Terry I'd look after you and I have no intention of breaking that promise."

CHAPTER SIX.

It had taken all the powers of both their persuasion before Dobey had finally relented and agreed to Starsky remaining where he belonged, at Hutch's side. It seemed to Hutch that Dobey realised that Starsky needed to carry on. He had agreed with their request that no-one else be told what was happening unless there was no choice, which had given them four days without the sympathetic glances and the quiet whispering in the corners when folk thought they couldn't hear. His only compromise was that if they found themselves in a situation where they might need help then they were to call in for it straight away. He wanted no heroics he had said. What he meant was he wanted to be sure that Hutch had proper back up. He hadn't said as much but Starsky knew what he meant, and it had ripped him in two. Part of him resented the fact that Dobey thought he couldn't do his job. The other part thanked him for trying to make sure that Hutch was safe, he knew that Hutch would not disobey a direct order from Captain Dobey.

Two days into the longest four of his life Starsky was sitting next to Hutch in the Torino when a call came over the radio. A silent alarm had been triggered from a large department store about two blocks from where they were parked, drinking coffee. Before Hutch could stop him Starsky had grabbed the radio mike and put them on scene in three minutes. The Torino engine roared to life and Starsky sped away from the kerb.

"Get the light Hutch. I daren't use the sirens this close, they'll hear us coming."

Hutch slapped the flashing red light in place and hung on as his partner wove his way through the evening traffic. He was quietly relieved when Starsky brought the car to a screeching halt at the end of the street. Both men climbed from the car taking in the situation outside the store. Two uniformed officers were working their way in opposite directions, slowly clearing the area outside of the store. Seeing Hutch the one closer to them ran over.

"We've got two, armed with automatics we think but can't be sure. Everyone outside the store is safe but they locked the doors and the place is half full of shoppers. There's a couple of officers checking around the back to see if there's anyway into this place without being seen. At the moment any attempt to get in can be covered from the position they have."

Starsky's head was beginning to throb. It had started to get worse yesterday and now he could feel the belt beginning to tighten around his temples once again. _'Not know, he thought, just give me a little more time. Hutch is gonna need me on this one.' _Reaching into his pocket he turned his back so Hutch couldn't see him and opened the bottle of pills from the hospital. There were only two left and he grimaced as he swallowed them both down dry. Leaning back against his car for a moment he took a deep breath and waited for them to begin to take affect. He promised himself that, as soon as this was over, he would shake off Hutch and head back to the hospital.

"Starsk you okay?" Hutch appeared in front of him, a worried look clearly visible on his face.

"Yeh! Just wondering how we approach this one. Any ideas?" Starsky looked his friend in the eyes defying him to delve further.

Hutch could see the pinched look and the dark rings staring back from his partners face but decided against pushing it now. Later, when this was over, he would make Starsky ease up, go home and get some rest. Then they would talk. Right now they had a job to do. From behind them they could hear running feet approaching and both men swung instinctively, weapons drawn. The two uniforms pulled up instantly and Starsky and Hutch lowered their guns both exhaling the breath they held. The two approached more cautiously and were joined by the original officer that Hutch had spoken too, along with his partner. Starsky recognised one of the new arrivals.

"Hutch, this is Mike Andrews. We met a coupla months ago, when you were in the hospital.

Hutch was watching the department store. _Good job too_, _Starsky thought, or he'll notice something's wrong and won't let me go with him. _The tablets Starsky had taken were beginning to take effect but his hands were trembling and he was sweating.

"Mike. What's the situation back there, can we get in without being spotted? Hutch asked the uniformed man.

"If you're careful, sure. There's a window open, looks like it's an office, but it'll take a bit of a climb. What you like on drainpipes?" Mike Andrews couldn't stop from grinning at the thought.

"We'll… " Hutch answered, grinning back, "It's been a long time since I had to make an escape down one. But I guess I can just about handle shinning up one. How 'bout you Starsk?"

Starsky was already making his way towards the rear of the store. Glancing over his shoulder he called to Hutch.

"Last one up buys dinner!"

Both men reached the drain at the same moment and Starsky was able to pretend the sweating was from his run from the car. Needing to catch his breath Starsky gestured for Hutch to go first. As he watched his partner slowly make his way to the top his vision once again became blurred. _DAMMIT! Not yet, please, just a little while longer, _a silent litany played through Starsky's brain. Staring hard and concentrating on the black, cold metal pipe in front of him Starsky began his assent. He wasn't sure how he got to the top but he finally made it only to realise that Hutch was nowhere in the room.

"Hutch!" Starsky called as softly as he could. "Hutch, where are you blintz?"

His hand reaching under his jacket Starsky unholstered his gun and began to walk, slowly and carefully, across the floor towards the door. Glancing out he could just see Hutch begin a careful descent of the stairs at the end of a long corridor. He called again but still Hutch made no sign of having heard him. Starsky was beginning to worry. He knew Hutch expected him to be just behind him but it was obvious that he had no idea how far back Starsky really was. Trying hard to control the dizziness in his head Starsky set off after his partner. As he reached the top of the stairs however the pain washed over him in an uncontrollable surge and, losing his footing, Starsky plummeted down the stairs landing in a crumpled heap at the bottom. He was unsure exactly what happened next, as everything seemed to begin at once. From across the corridor in which he had landed a door opened and two men, both armed came running through. Seeing Starsky lying on the floor they both turned, only to be confronted with Hutch bearing down on them. He remembered hearing Hutch's voice calling for them to stop and drop their weapons before seeing them both shoot in the direction of Hutch. He had a vague impression of Hutch throwing himself to one side before returning fire and both men falling to the ground, one obviously dead the other very much alive from the way he was yelling.

"Hutch! You okay?" Starsky yelled across the noise of the fallen man.

"Yeh buddy, I'm fine but you don't look so hot. Wanna tell me about it?" Hutch was walking towards his partner, re-holstering his magnum as he went.

From somewhere over Hutch's right shoulder Starsky could suddenly make out a blur of a shape and he shook his head, trying to clear it. For a brief second his vision became clear and, horrified, he knew instantly that the uniformed guys had miscounted. A third man was slowly making his way along the corridor, an automatic pistol pointed directly at Hutch.

"HUTCH!" Starsky yelled as he brought his berretta upwards.

As Hutch dropped instantly to the floor Starsky fired, three shots. Hutch turned on the floor just in time to see the man hit the ground some five yards from him. Slowly he picked himself up and made his way back down the corridor to confirm properly what he already knew without looking. Starsky was the best shot in the department so there was no doubt this guy was dead.

"Nice shot Starsk. Thanks" Hutch kicked the man's weapon across the corridor in disgust and waited for his friend's response.

When it failed to come Hutch looked up, a sinking feeling in his heart. To begin with it looked for all the world as if Starsky were asleep. He sat, unmoving, head on his knees, making no response to Hutch softly calling his name. Forcing himself not to panic Hutch slowly rose and moved towards his partner. Reaching his side he bent down and tenderly lifted Starsky's head with one hand, the other resting gently on his shoulder. Starsky's face was ashen, but it was his eyes that frightened Hutch the most. Dark rings around each made the ivory blue eyes more obvious than normal. Hutch had seen those so expressive eyes blaze with anger, smile in happiness, twinkle in fun, cry in sorrow and, very occasionally, they had shown a level of fear, but he had never before seen the abject desolation he now read in the unseeing eyes of his partner. Hutch did the only thing he could, pulling Starsky into a firm hold he sat rubbing his partners back his arms forming a ring of protection around his friend.

END OF PART ONE.

PART TWO

CHAPTER ONE.

Hutch paced the hospital waiting room desperate for news of his partner. He had been there an hour and a half and the waiting was driving him mad with worry. He had used the time to contact Dobey and tell him what had gone down. He had finally managed to contact Mike Andrews and thank him for the speed with which he had arranged the trip to the hospital. Hutch knew he should be writing reports but he didn't care, all that mattered right now was his partner. He began yet another circuit of the small room and his brain went over the last two days. He knew he should have watched Starsky more closely. Over the years his friend had become an expert at hiding when he was really hurting, but this time he had had forewarning. He should have seen the signs and made Starsky call the hospital. He should never have agreed to him staying 'on the streets' but he also knew that Starsky would have fought him all the way on that one.

Hutch's mind raced back to the cemetery and their conversation at Terry's grave. _'It's what I do Hutch, part of what I am. I won't let this thing take it away._ Starsky had pleaded for understanding and he had understood, at least a little. Now though, it all seemed so wrong. If he hadn't have given in then Starsky would have been safe at home instead of back lying in a hospital bed. _'He would never have forgiven you though Hutchinson. He'd have understood.. but he'd have hated you for it!'_ The voice in his head was getting louder with each passing minute. Hutch found himself almost praying, _Terry, you promised to be there if ever he needed you. Well he needs you now. Don't you let him down, not know!'_

From somewhere behind him a door opened and a nurse came through it. Hutch swung around to see her smiling softly at him. Vaguely he recognised her as the same nurse who had been with Starsky throughout all the tests he had endured so few days ago.

"How is he? Can I see him?" Hutch was hesitant, afraid of what she would say.

The nurse looked at him, taking in the anxiety and the love the emanated from this tall blond for her patient. _'It must be nice, _she thought_, to have a friend like that'._

"You can see him now, but don't upset him. He needs to rest and he's still not fully recovered his vision so make sure you speak when you go in so he knows you're there. The Doctor will be back in a minute to talk to you both." She gently placed a hand on Hutch's arm. "Go on, he's been asking for you."

Hutch strode across to the door, and then hesitated. He took a deep breath before quietly opening it and stepping into the room, glancing across at his partner as he did so. The lights in the room were dimmed and the blind closed but he could still make out the solitary figure lying on the bed. Starsky looked, for all the world, like a lonely, lost child as he stared at the window. Hutch had to fight the urge to gather him up into his arms the way he knew that Starsky's own father would have done. Instead he called softly from across the room.

"Hey partner. How goes it?" Hutch moved to stand next to Starsky's bed and placed his hand on his friends arm to let him know he was there.

"Hutch, thank goodness. They wouldn't tell me how you were. I've been worried sick. The last I remember was that guy appearing from nowhere. I yelled, and I remember you falling but I didn't know…."

"Hey, easy babe. I'm okay. You got the bad guy and I'm fine. It's you we should be thinking about right now." Hutch's voice became softer as he continued, "Why didn't you say something Starsk. That's twice you've shut me out and you've never done that before. How can I help if you won't let me in?"

Starsky was silent. The pain was gone, thanks to the Doctor and his syringe. His vision was slowly returning and he could just make out Hutch's face, although he couldn't as yet see the features that he knew oh so well. He knew that, if he could see them clearly, they would be full of concern for him, but they would also show pain. Hutch was right; Starsky had shut him out. He had shut him out right from the beginning when the headaches had gotten worse and he had begun to worry. To begin with he had simply been trying not to make his friend worry about him. Hutch was a proverbial 'Mother Hen' when it came to him and after Terry dying he had gone into overdrive. Starsky had begun to feel claustrophobic with Hutch's efforts and he didn't want them to begin all over again. Then, as the pain had increased and Starsky's fears had begun to rise, he had deliberately hidden it from Hutch, deciding that there was no point worrying him until he knew for certain that there was something to worry about.

He knew now though, that he had avoided telling his friend because to voice his fears would have meant having to accept them and Starsky didn't want to do that. He had become adept at hiding the pain from Hutch, managing to swallow bottles of Aspirin without being seen. Then along came their last case and it's endless round of stakeouts and working the streets for information, which, even with help from Huggy, had been hard to get. It had taken them two weeks of non-stop effort with hardly time for any proper rest before the leads all pulled together and they were able to bring everything to a satisfactory conclusion. Throughout it all the headaches had become worse and they had been accompanied with a frightening loss of vision. Starsky would find himself unable to see further than a few hundred yards in front of him. Now he was really scared but still he didn't want to tell Hutch because he knew if he did that he would be pulled off of the case and Hutch would have someone else watching his back. That was something he couldn't let happen because he knew that if something happened to Hutch it would be his fault and that was something he would be unable to live with, ever.

As the time went on he found it harder and harder to hide things from his friend and had finally promised himself a trip to his doctor when he had lost his temper at the precinct. It wasn't Hutch he was angry with; he knew that now. It was himself, and the combination of events that had prevented him from getting any rest. That, and a niggling voice at the back of his mind that told him something was seriously wrong this time, one he was desperately trying to ignore.

Starsky hated to be ill and even more he hated hospitals with their smell of antiseptic and their cold, unwelcoming colours and lights of the corridors. It was to such a place they had taken his Father on that dreadful day when his safe, loving world had come crashing down. Even now all he had to do was to close his eyes and he could clearly see the man he adored more than life itself, lying on a cold, white bed while the smell of antiseptic permeated his clothes and invaded his senses. Over the years he had learnt to control the cold fear that struck at his heart every time he entered a hospital but it was still there at the back of his memory. His partnership with Hutch had seen him having to overcome that feeling too many times to mention but every time there was the fear that, one day, he would be the person lying, so cold and clinical, on a hard bed surrounded by white death.

"I'm truly sorry Hutch… I never meant to shut you out. Not in the way you mean. You know you mean more to me than anyone. I just didn't want to worry you Hutch. You've had enough to do lately, picking me up off of the floor after Terry…this case, everything. You didn't need something else to worry about. You've got your own life to lead." Starsky's voice was almost a whisper, choked with emotion.

"That life would be worthless without you around buddy. Who the hell else would put up with me anyway?" Hutch's voice matched that of his friend. "Promise me Starsk, no more shutters, no more playing the hero. Let me help, at least for my sake if not for yours."

Starsky's vision had finally cleared and he could see Hutch looking at him with love and caring. Gently he nodded his agreement, "I promise". A smile spread slowly up his face until it reached his eyes and Hutch felt the relief flood through him as he realised that Starsky could once again see him.

CHAPTER TWO.

From behind the two men the door opened and Hutch turned slightly to see the Doctor enter the room. From the look on his face he could tell that the news he was bringing was far from good and he unconsciously took Starsky's hand in his own, offering support in the only way he could. The Doctor noted the almost imperceptible movement with approval; what he had to say was not going to be easy and his patient would need someone there for him, just in case…

"Detective Hutchinson," he nodded at Hutch. "I'm glad to see you here, although I wish for your friends sake that neither of you were."

Hutch said nothing, he simply moved closer to Starsky and sat down, determined to offer what support he could.

"Lets have it Doc, what's the verdict? Your face says that it's not a good one so how about I make it easy and tell you to just say it like it is?" Starsky looked directly at the man looming over him.

The Doctor took a deep breath before beginning.

"I'm afraid you're right Dave. The verdict isn't a good one, but nor is it totally bad either." Both men looked questioningly at him. "We have the final results from your tests and I can happily tell you, here and now, that the tumour is benign."

Hutch let out the breath he hadn't even realised that he had been holding and gave Starsky's hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thank God", he whispered, almost to himself.

"I'm afraid that is the only good news though gentlemen." The Doctor was continuing, "At the moment the tumour is pressing on the optic nerves. That's what's causing the pain you keep getting and the loss of vision. We have to remove it as soon as possible. If we don't then it will lead to permanent blindness. The headaches will be controllable with drugs but… they will have to get stronger as the pain increases. You'll live the rest of your life in constant pain." The Doctor paused for a moment before continuing, "Unfortunately, as with all surgery, there is a risk, and with you it's a fairly high one. We are in a very sensitive area and there is a distinct possibility that there will be damage from the surgery. If that happens then…well I'm afraid the optic nerves are extremely delicate and any damage to them is irreparable."

"So what you're trying to say Doc is that either way I choose the chances are I'll be blind. Am I right? Starsky spoke firmly, his voice controlled.

Hutch watched Starsky's features as the Doctor replied. They were set firm, his face totally unreadable. Hutch could only guess at the torment raging inside his friend.

"I'm afraid so Dave. As I said there is a high risk. We'll do our best obviously but…."

"What are the chances Doc, I wanna know!"

"About 70%. I'm sorry."

"Thanks….for being honest anyway Doc." Starsky was looking at the Doctor now, his face a mask that even Hutch couldn't read. "Would you give us a few minutes alone I need to talk with Hutch?"

The Doctor nodded his agreement but before he left he turned and spoke gently for both men.

"Once you sign the papers we can operate in about six hours. I've already made all the arrangements for theatre space and personnel. I really am sorry. There are times when I really hate my job and this is one of them."

CHAPTER THREE.

Once he had left there was silence in the room, both men lost in their own thoughts. Hutch was raging against the unfairness of it all, his emotions swinging violently from fear to anger then to sympathy and back again. Fear of the unknown, for the future of his partner and friend, in an unseeing world. Anger that this should happen to someone who loved life as much as Starsky. Sympathy for his friend. There was nothing he could do to make this one better; all he could do was to be there whenever Starsky needed him, same as always.

Starsky was trying to take in the full implications of what he had just been told. Working on a case once he had accidentally shot a young woman in the head causing her to loose her sight temporarily. He had agonised then over the consequences of his actions. He remembered tying a blindfold around his eyes in order to try and understand a little of what she must be going through, but, at the end, he had been able to remove the blindfold and see again. This time the blindfold would be permanent and the thought terrified him. Slowly the shutters were coming down, if he didn't accept it, didn't acknowledge it, then it wouldn't be true and he could cope. Hutch needed him and that was what he needed to concentrate on. They were a team, 'Me and Thee', that's what they always said and he wasn't about to let that go for anything.

"Hey Hutch, you eaten? I'm starving. What say we go see Huggy and get a coupla specials?"

Starsky was already off the bed and searching the cupboards for his clothes. Retrieving them, he slowly and deliberately put them on. He had to get out of this place as soon as possible and he wasn't about to make any moves which would prevent him from doing so. His trainers were the last item to go on and he conveniently forgot to do them up, remembering the dizziness it had caused the last time. Turning and heading for the door he found it blocked by Hutch.

"Starsk", Hutch's voice was gentle as he looked at his partner. "What exactly do you think you're doing? You can't leave."

Starsky's voice was controlled as he stared back at his partner. "You gonna stop me Blintz?"

"If I have to then yes! You can't just run away and pretend this isn't happening Starsky. It's unfair and it stinks…but it's real and we have to deal with it."

"We!" Starsky snorted, his fists clenched, "Where did you get the 'we' from Hutch? I'm the one with the headaches. I'm the one who just had his whole life brought to an end. I'm the one who could wake up and not be able to see anything ever again. Where did he say 'we' Hutch? All I heard was me. Well I don't want to go to sleep Hutch. I don't wanna have to learn to use a white cane and have everyone, including you, feeling sorry for me. I wanna wake up and find that this was all some horrible nightmare. Now you gonna let me pass or am I gonna have to move you?"

Hutch listened and waited as Starsky raged at him; letting all of his emotions free .An ironic thought entered Hutch's head that normally this would be the other way around. He would be the one raging against the injustice while Starsky stood back waiting for the storm to die down before picking him up and setting him back on track. Starsky had had plenty of practise over the years but this was a complete role reversal. He only hoped that he had learnt the lesson well enough from the master standing in front of him now.utch 'Huthc

"Sorry Gordo

"Sorry Gordo! You want to leave here you're going to have to go through me, 'cause you sure as hell aren't going around." Hutch stood firm, his voice even, his whole body tense. He knew that Starsky would beat him if it came down to it. They were both good at looking after themselves but his friend always had the edge on him, having learnt to survive on the streets he now patrolled. "Don't expect me to make it easy for you buddy. You put me on the floor back at the precinct and you're gonna have to do it again to get out of here."

Starsky stared at his friend for several seconds, his fists clenching and unclenching as he fought against his need to escape, to run and hide like a frightened child. He backed away and began to pace the room like a caged tiger.

"I thought you were supposed to be my friend Hutch. You of all people should understand. I have to get out of here." Starsky's voice was still controlled and cold and it was like a dagger to Hutch.

"I do understand Starsk, believe me I do." Hutch's voice was low and gentle. "That's why I can't let you leave here. I promised Terry that I'd look after you and I intend to keep that promise. If you leave here now you won't come back. I can't let you do that Starsk; I'm too selfish. I NEED you too much to let you give up without a fight. Hey, the odds are pretty lousy but we've played shorter odds before and come out on top. I'm not just gonna get up and walk away from you Starsk. You're part of me buddy, the brother I never had, when you hurt I hurt too. Whatever happens Starsk I'll be there for you, not out of pity, but out of love. If I could wave a magic wand and make this all go away then I'd do it. But I can't Starsk. I wish I could, but I can't. You have to face up to it buddy, not give up. That's not your way, never has been, and if you think, for one minute, that I'm gonna sit back and watch you do it now then you are sadly mistaken. If I have to fight you to do it then I will Starsk, and maybe you'll beat me, I don't know, but I do know that I won't give up, I'll keep coming back, again and again until you stop running and start fighting."

As Hutch spoke he slowly edged his way forward, verbally pushing Starsky backwards away from the door. He could see the effect that his words were having as the pacing slowed and then stopped and the fists unclenched at last. Hutch began to relax, just a little, knowing that his words were getting through.

Starsky looked at Hutch properly for the first time since the Doctor had entered the room. The anguish that showed almost broke Hutch's heart and he wanted to turn away from it, knowing there was nothing he could do to remove it. He could only stand and watch as his friend went through every emotion, one by one, and try to cope with them. What hurt the most though was the look of despair he could see in his friends' eyes. Finally the dam broke and Starsky collapsed on to the bed, tears running uncontrollably down his face.

"What do I do know Hutch, where do I go from here?" Starskys' voice was a whisper. "Funny, for the second time in my life I feel so alone. The first time was when my Dad got killed. I wish he were here now, he'd know what to do."

Hutch moved instantly to his friends' side. Kneeling in front of him he placed a hand on the others shoulder.

"Your not alone Starsk, I'm here. As for what you do now, you rest, get some sleep. You have to decide about the operation and I can't do that for you, no-one can, only you. I want you to know that whatever you decide I'll still be here, same as always."

Hutch's voice was husky as he spoke, his throat tight with unshed tears of his own. He wished he could let them flow but he needed to be strong for Starskys' sake. As he watched Starskys' eyes began to close. Laying him back onto the pillow Hutch gently lifted his feet up, removing the trainers as he did so and letting them drop unheeded to the floor. Quietly Hutch tiptoed out of the room and closed the door softly so as not to wake the sleeping figure on the bed. Walking as fast as he could Hutch headed out of the hospital and into the relative safety of his car. Hutch drove, hard and fast, to his apartment where he almost ran up the steps and inside, slamming the door behind him. Leaning against the door Hutch finally allowed the tears to fall, sliding down the doorframe as he did so, ending in a crumpled heap on the floor.

CHAPTER FOUR.

Starsky woke early the next morning and, for a moment, he wondered where he was. Then the memory of the night before returned and he realised. Emotionally he felt drained and the need to be anywhere but lying in a hospital bed forced him to rise. As he pulled on the trainers that Hutch had discarded the night before he glanced out of his window at the hospital garden. Unconsciously he noted the colours of the flowers and the red glow of the early morning sun as it slowly rose above the horizon. Standing at the window he noted the bright blue of the sky and the vivid white and yellow of the daisies that grew in the grass.

'_Take a good look Starsky, and remember it. You may never see it again!' _The thought flashed, unwelcome, through his mind and he began to turn away from the window.

As he did so a movement in the far corner of the garden caught his attention and he turned back in time to see a young boy enter the garden from a set of French windows leading from the children's ward. He watched as the boy slowly made his way across the garden, feeling his way gently with the cane he carried in front of him. As the boy reached a seat under the trees he sat down and pulled something from his pocket. As Starsky watched he began to sprinkle the contents of a brown paper bag onto the floor around him before settling himself back onto the seat and holding his head slightly to one side. From everywhere came tiny birds, pecking at the food the boy had provided. The boy sat stock still as the birds hopped, quite happily, around his feet. Starsky could see the smile appear on the boys face as, through the open window, the sound of bird song reached his ears.

As quickly as he could Starsky made his way along the empty corridors and down the stairs until he came to a door leading out into the garden from the opposite side to that which the young boy had used. Gently he opened it and slid through, carefully shutting it behind him. Quietly he made his way across the garden to where he could see the boy under the trees. He tried not to make too much noise as he didn't want to disturb the scene in front of him, but the boy seemed to sense that someone was watching and he turned his unseeing eyes towards Starsky.

"Who's there?" the boy spoke quietly and Starsky was struck with the gentleness of his voice.

"Sorry… I didn't mean to frighten you. I saw you from my window and I was fascinated with the way the birds seemed to trust you. I just wanted to get a closer look. My name's Starsky, Dave Starsky, I'm a patient here." Starsky walked across the space that separated them as he spoke.

"Mind if I join you for a while? It's getting a little claustrophobic in there."

The young lad continued to face Starsky, his head slightly tilted, as though he were weighing up this intruder. Eventually he grinned and, indicating the rest of the seat with his hand, edged himself slightly sideways to give the man room.

"I know what you mean, about the claustrophobia, it does get a little overpowering at times. The names Paul, Paul Williams." He paused, and then said, "Want to see something really special?"

Starsky nodded, then realised the futility of his action.

"Love to… that's if you don't mind. I don't want to intrude."

Starsky watched as the boy reached once again into his pocket and brought something out. As he unclenched his fist Starsky could see the birdseed in it. Paul motioned for him to be quiet then held his arm outstretched in front of him and waited. Starsky found himself holding his breath as he watched a tiny bird appear from the branches of the tree opposite and fly directly towards them. Landing on the boys' outstretched palm it began to feed, it's eyes ever watchful for danger. When it had finished every tiny seed the bird chirruped, as if in thanks, before flying away back into the tree. Starsky continued to watch it for a while as it flitted from branch to branch.

"Bet you never saw anything like that before have you? It's taken a lot of patience but he comes every day now. I hope someone else feeds him when I've gone home." Paul began to rise as he spoke. His cane held firmly in front of him he began to make his way around the garden in the direction of the door he had come out of. "Fancy some breakfast? It should be ready about now and if we hurry we can make it before all the others eat it all."

Not quite sure why, Starsky followed the youngster, noting as he did that he moved with unwavering certainty. The tapping of the cane became less and less noticeable to Starsky's ears and he hurried to keep up with his new friend. At the French window they paused as Paul felt for the handle then opened it. Starsky stepped into the room and was at once struck by the bright pictures on the walls and the gaudy colours of the décor. He blinked for a moment as he looked around, and then stepped uncertainly into the ward, stopping next to Paul.

"Hey gang! I found us a new friend who sounds as though he could do with cheering up a bit so I asked him to come for breakfast. What have we got?"

Starsky was amazed as about ten children left the table and came across to them, smiling in welcome. One of them, a young girl aged about six, pushed her hand into his and led him across to the table where she pushed him down into a tiny chair that Starsky was afraid he would break at any minute. Paul sat down next to him and began to attack the food on the plate in front of him. Starsky watched fascinated as he cleared the plate in minutes, never missing a single piece.

"How do you do that?" Starsky could hold his curiosity no longer.

"Hey it's easy bro! Just use a clock system. You know, bacon at twelve, eggs at three, hash browns at six and toast at nine. It works a treat, try it sometime." Paul was unaware of the effect his words were having on the man sitting next to him. "It takes a little getting used to of course, and you get an awful lot of stained shirts to begin with, but it's easy once you get the hang of it. I can even go to restaurants now and not make a fool of myself. Ma just asks the waiter to make sure that the plate is always arranged like I just said."

Starsky had a sudden vision of himself in a restaurant with Hutch, the plate arranged just so. It sent a cold shiver down his back and he wondered if he would ever be able to accept what fate had thrown at him this time.

As Starsky watched the children, one by one, finished their breakfasts and moved off to play. He left the tiny chair to make himself more comfortable somewhere. No one bothered him as he sat in the window and watched Paul as he moved around the room from one place to the next totally untroubled by his blindness. As the morning wore on a nurse came across to him, a piece of paper in her hand. As she approached him she glanced down at it then looked back at the man in front of her.

"Your name wouldn't by any chance be Starsky would it, Dave Starsky?"

Starsky nodded reluctantly. He hadn't realised how long he had been there but a glance at the clock on the wall opposite confirmed that it was a couple of hours.

"Thought so. Nurse Miller has been looking all over the place for you. She took your breakfast in at eight and couldn't find you. She's pretty worried about you."

Starsky had the grace to look apologetic. "Sorry, I needed some air and I saw Paul in the garden so I figured I'd join him. I'll go back and apologise."

"Hey it's okay, There's no rush, she just needs to know where you are. I'll ring and tell her you're fine and playing with the kids. If she wants you she can come and get you. Alright!"

Starsky nodded his gratitude and turned his attention back to Paul. As he watched the youngster moved to the top end of the ward where a piano stood in a corner. Lifting the lid the boy settled himself down onto the stool and began to play. Starsky recognised some of the more popular tunes but he was totally out of his depth with the classical stuff that Paul played so well. Rising from his position he made his way, once again, to sit next to the boy.

"Mind if I join you again?"

"Be my guest Dave. You like music?"

Starsky nodded and once again realised the futility of it.

"Yeh' I do. I wish I could play like that. How long have you been playing anyway?

"My Gran taught me when I was just three. She used to sit me on her knee and play the keys with my fingers. I didn't appreciate it though until I lost my sight. That was about two years ago. I was a pretty horrible person to be around then I can tell you. Just about everyone gave up on me, 'Cept Gran that is. She caught me by the wrists one day when I was throwing a temper about all the things I couldn't do. She really gave me a telling off like never before and it did me good. Up to then everyone had been pussyfooting around making allowances for me and I was becoming a real pain in the neck. Gran told me it was about time I stopped thinking of all the things I couldn't do and concentrate on the things that I could, like playing the piano. It took a while but I realised that she was right. I know now that, if I had to lose anything, then my sight wasn't so bad. At least I could still walk and talk, play music, hear the bird song in the mornings, you know, all the things that make life special. Maybe I can't see them but I can remember what they look like and that's better than never having seen them at all. Besides I can 'see' a lot of things, including faces, with my fingers. Come closer and I'll show you."

Starsky lent forward as Paul held his hands out towards him. Taking the youngsters hand in his he guided them towards his face and sat watching the others face as Paul's fingers gently felt their way across his features.

"You have a strong face but it's a sad one at the moment, you should lighten up, smile a bit." Starsky grinned at this and Paul smiled back. "That's much better, you're smile reaches your eyes I can feel it. I'd say you were about thirty-ish, am I right?"

Starsky laughed, "You're close enough for me to agree. Anything else?"

Again Starsky felt the gentle probing.

"Yes. You're worrying about something. I can feel the tension."

Starsky moved away and Paul returned his fingers to the piano keys.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I only said what I could 'see'." His voice was soft and slightly enquiring. "Would it help to talk? My Gran said I've become a pretty good listener." As Starsky chose not to reply Paul pushed on. "Mind if I take a guess? It has something to do with being in here hasn't it? Serious too from your reaction."

Starsky found himself grinning as he looked at the boy in front of him. He figured that he was about thirteen years of age and yet, despite his own problems, here he was, offering to help him. He reached out and placed a hand on the youngsters' arm.

"Thanks Paul, I appreciate your offer, but this is something I have to sort out for myself. Besides, you've already helped in more ways than you'll ever know. I have to go now but I'd like to come back if I may, and perhaps bring a friend along. He loves music too, maybe I can convince him to bring his guitar along. Thanks for this morning, I'll never forget it."

So saying Starsky turned and left the ward without looking back. He knew now what he had to do but first he needed to speak to Hutch. He needed to tell him that he had quit running away, it was time to fight back, whatever the consequences.

CHAPTER FIVE

Hutch woke to the sound of the telephone's incessant ring and he groped around with his eyes closed, trying to locate the offending instrument. It had been nearly midnight when he had finally gotten to bed having picked himself off of the floor. His mind though had refused to relax as it had continually gone over and over the words spoken by the doctor and the reactions of his friend and partner. It had been about nine when he had finally plucked up the courage to ring Dobey and fill him in. The Captain's immediate reaction was to give Hutch compassionate leave knowing that his detective would be no good to him if he were worrying about his partner. Hutch remembered looking at the bed side clock once when he had gotten up for a glass of milk in the hope that it would relax him enough to get some sleep. It had glared back at him, 2.00 am. Forcing his eyes to focus he once again looked at the accusing object and realised that it was midday; he had slept for ten hours.

"Hutchinson", He mumbled sleepily into the speaker and then instantly sat up as he recognised the voice on the other end.

"Hutch, it's me pal. I just needed to say thanks, for last night. You were right, I was running away but I'm not any more." Starsky's voice sounded strange and Hutch had to concentrate hard to understand what he was saying. "I'm gonna have the op Hutch, in a coupla hours. Do me a favour will ya blintz? Be there when I wake up, I think I might need you then. Doc says I won't be able to see anything for at least a week… after that… I guess… that's for him up there to know, and me to find out. One more thing Hutch. If I don't come through this," Starskys' voice wavered at his point, "Thanks… for always being there."

Hutch heard the line click and he knew that Starsky had hung up on him before they both broke down. For a moment he lay where he was trying to come to terms with all that his friend had said and wondering what had happened to make him act so quickly. Last night Hutch was convinced that Starsky would hold out over the operation, which could change his life almost immediately. He could only wonder as to who or what had convinced his stubborn friend differently. Hutch went over what his friend had told him. He had asked him to be there when he woke up and of that there was no question. Hutch would be by his side from the minute he came back from theatre. Leaping out of bed Hutch ran into the shower, turning the water on full so that it stung his skin like red-hot needles. Refreshed he hurriedly dressed and, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl on the kitchen table, he dashed out to his car. This time though the roads were not empty, and it took him a little while to get back to the hospital.

He climbed the hospital steps two at a time and ran, as fast as it was possible in the crowded corridors, towards Starsky's room. He arrived just as two orderlies were wheeling Starsky from the room towards the elevator that would take him to the operating theatre.

"Wait, just a second, please." Hutch shouted across the corridor and the two men stopped, looking enquiringly at the nurse with them. Nurse Miller looked at the young man heading towards them and recognised him instantly. Motioning the two men aside she caught Hutch's arm as he reached them.

"You have a couple of minutes and that's all. They're ready for him in theatre and the consultant doesn't like to be kept waiting."

Hutch nodded his thanks then bent over his partner who was already drowsy from the pre-med.

"Stark, can you hear me?" Hutch bent as close as he could, his hand gently squeezing that of his partners.

Starsky opened his eyes fractionally, trying to focus on the person bending over him.

"Hutch, that you? Hey Blintz, you made it!" Starsky's eyes closed once more and he was smiling. "See you in a coupla hours or so."

"I'll be here Starsk, I'll be waiting for you, I promise." Hutch gave the hand another gentle squeeze before stepping back and allowing the orderlies to continue their journey.

As she entered the elevator Nurse Miller smiled compassionately to Hutch.

"Don't worry. We'll look after him. I'm becoming too fond of this one to let anything happen to him."

Hutch smiled. Even in illness Starsky had the habit of making the women fall over him.

"One thing nurse. What changed, what made him decide to go ahead?" Hutch looked questioningly at her.

" Go have a word with one of the patients on the children's ward. His name is Paul Williams. I think he could probably help you more than I can."

With that the elevator doors whooshed to a close and Hutch was left staring at them trying to make sense of her words.

CHAPTER SIX

True to his word Hutch was waiting when Starsky finally awoke after his operation. Hutch had been upset when he had first seen his friend, the bandages swathed his head and covered his eyes and he was hooked to various monitors. Only the hospital band he wore on his wrist confirmed the identity of the patient. That and the rings that Starsky always wore on his little finger, and had refused to remove, settling instead to have them taped over. Hutch had gently removed the tape as soon as he had seen it, glad to have something constructive to do.

In the time he had waited for Starsky to return he had taken a trip down to the children's ward and seen for himself the person responsible for making Starsky face up to what lay ahead. Paul had asked what exactly was wrong with Starsky and Hutch had told him as simply as he could. He had watched as the youngsters' eyes had clouded over and he had wondered that such expressive eyes could be so unseeing. This had only served to make him think of Starsky and how his eyes were the window to his heart. They were the one thing which could make his friend appear so cold and hard to criminals but could tell Hutch when he was in need of comfort, or needed to be alone, or could sparkle so brightly whenever his childish streak surfaced.

As he had sat beside the bed Hutch thought again of those eyes and the thought that they would never again see him made him more despondent than he thought possible. Hutch had prayed softly then, harder than he had ever prayed before._ Don't take it away from him Lord. Starsky is the most alive person I know and without his sight he would fade away, become something different. I need him to be okay. Without him I don't think I could carry on as a cop. He makes a difference Lord, and he cares, truly cares, about what he does. You can't take it away just like that._

Starsky stirred gently in the bed and Hutch was immediately alert.

"Hey Buddy, you awake?" Starsky mouthed yes and Hutch continued, "Here sip this, it'll ease your throat. Don't try to talk for the moment; you throat is probably still sore from the anaesthetic. You've been asleep or quite a while buddy, I began to think you would sleep till tomorrow." Hutch paused; he had been about to say for ever but had stopped just in time. "Don't move your head anymore than you can help it, the bandages are pretty thick but no sense in taking any chances."

Starsky had raised his hand to feel the offending items that were making his world so dark but Hutch caught hold of his hand and stopped him.

"Don't Starsk, not yet, let everything begin to heal." Hutch spoke firmly as he lowered Starsky's hand back to the bed.

"Hutch, that you?" Starsky's stopped, his voice was almost a whisper, still dopey from the anaesthetic, "Hey buddy, you stayed, that's neat."

"Hey, I promised I'd be here didn't I? You ever know me to break a promise? Hutch spoke softly as he leant closer to his friend lying on the bed.

"No to me pal…not to me," and, with that, Starsky quietly fell back to sleep.

Hutch was unsure how long he sat by Starsky's bed waiting for him to wake up again. Sometime during the long vigil Huggy and Dobey had come and gone, each offering their support. Huggy had offered to stay but Hutch had refused knowing that Starsky would hate anyone else seeing him unprepared. There was no doubt in Hutch's mind that, whatever happened in the next few days, Starsky would hide his feelings, keeping his emotions in check. Hutch wanted to give Starsky some space to be himself, time to come to terms with everything and let his feelings have free range. If Starsky felt like screaming and raging against the unfairness of life then Hutch was going to make sure he had the chance. A couple of times the door had opened nurse Miller entered to check on her patient. The second time she had brought a coffee with her, which she handed to Hutch, smiling as she did so.

"I thought you could use this."

Hutch thanked her and watched as she carried out her checks on Starsky, making sure everything was alright. As she made her last notes on the clipboard at the bottom of the bed he looked at her.

"How's he doing Nurse?"

"He's doing well. Your friend is young and strong; the effects of the anaesthetic won't hold him for much longer. The operation went really well, all we can do now is wait I'm afraid." She looked sympathetically at Hutch before continuing. "You look exhausted, when did you last eat?"

Hutch shrugged as he realised that he couldn't remember. "I thought so. Tell you what I'll ring the canteen and see if they will send me something up for you. I'll tell them that we'll end up with two patients instead of one if they can't."

Nurse Miller left the room and Hutch was, once again, left to his own thoughts.

CHAPTER SEVEN.

Hutch felt the hand he was holding move, gently squeezing against his own and he could hear a soft voice calling his name. Instantly he was alert, shaking his head as he realised that he had fallen asleep with his head on Starsky's bed.

"Hutch, come on blintz, time to wake up." The hand squeezed again and this time Hutch returned the pressure.

"Sorry Starsk, guess I was more tired than I realised. How do you feel?" Hutch looked hard at his partner, wishing that he could see more of his face.

"Ok, I guess. Head hurts a little but I suppose that's to be expected. What time is it Hutch, day or night?"

Hutch flinched slightly at the unexpected question. "It's seven in the morning. You slept all night."

Both men were silent for a while before Hutch continued. "I met a friend of yours last night, Paul, he sends his love. Says he'll be up to say hello as soon as you're up to it."

"You met Paul?" Hutch could imagine the expression hiding behind the bandages. "He's a great kid Hutch. Talks a lot of sense too." Starsky's voice began to falter, "Only hope I can be half as strong as he is."

Hutch swallowed hard. "You will be Starsk, whatever happens you will be. Just remember, you're not on your own. Dobey gave me three weeks leave, and I intend to spend then right here with you."

The door to Starsky's room opened and Nurse Miller entered followed closely by the Doctor. Hutch noticed that they both spoke as they came in, calling hello from the doorway, so that Starsky would know who they were. It was something he would remember and pass on to Huggy and Dobey for when they came visiting. It was only a little thing, but it was something they could all do to make this situation a little easier for Starsky. As he watched the two walked and stood by the side of the bed.

"Glad to know that you're awake Dave. I'd like to take off a couple of layers of bandages if that's okay with you. I need to check on my handwork." The Doctor spoke directly to his patient, making no attempt to do anything until given permission. It was only when Starsky nodded that he did anything. "Good, now if you can just sit up a little, lovely, okay, I'm going to undo the bandages now. I'll do it slowly and you tell me if there are any problems. Ok?"

Again Starsky nodded and the Doctor began slowly to unwind the bandages, which swathed Starsky's head. Hutch felt a surge of joy when he realised that most of Starsky's hair was still intact. Somehow he had found it impossible to deal with the thought of his partner's dark, curly hair being no longer there. As Hutch watched the bandages slowly came away until only a couple of patches remained covering his friend's eyes. Nurse Miller walked across the room and closed the blinds tightly, shutting out the early morning sunshine. Then she walked to the switch and turned off the light. From somewhere the Doctor produced a small torch, which he now turned on.

"Okay Dave, I'm going to remove the patches now. I need you to keep your eyes closed for me until I say, then open them slowly. Don't be too upset if you can't see anything though. It's very early days and this is really just for me to look inside your eyes and check for any damage. There will still be a lot of swelling around the operation sight and the chances are that the nerves still need time to recover. It should be about a week before you will see, if at all." The Doctor worked as he spoke, gently loosening the tape, which held the two offending patches in place. Carefully and slowly he removed each one.

Hutch looked at Starsky face as the dressings were removed. He wasn't sure what he was expecting to see but relief surged through him as he realised that his partner showed no outward signs of his ordeal other than the shorter hair, which would quickly re-grow. Hutch felt the hand he was still holding tense as the second dressing was removed and he gently squeezed back, letting Starsky know that he was still there.

"Okay Dave, now I want you to open your right eye for me, gently and slowly." The Doctor watched as Starsky did as he was asked. Gently he lent across his patient and flashed his torch into the unseeing eye. Repeating the procedure with the left eye he indicated for Nurse Miller to replace the patches. "Well, I'm glad to say that everything looks fine Dave. Now, we'll keep the eyes covered for the rest of the week, after that, well, you'll look pretty good in some really dark glasses for a while.

How long's 'for a while' Doc? Starsky asked.

The Doctor hesitated for a moment before replying, knowing that he would be unable to fob his patient off with the usual lines of his profession. Detective David Starsky had had too many experiences with the medical profession to be able to do that, and besides, he had too much respect for the young man lying in front of him to want to try.

"I'll be as honest as I can for you Dave. At the moment everything is as I would expect, we managed to remove all of the tumour but there is still a lot of bruising from the surgery. Once the swelling from this has gone down, and that should take a matter of days, then the optic nerves will have a chance to begin to work again. What I can't tell, and we won't be able to tell for about a week, is whether or not they have been damaged in any way. In the meantime I'll arrange for some specialist training so you can be as independent as possible." From somewhere Starsky heard a high- pitched bleep. "I'm sorry Dave I have to go, I'm needed elsewhere. If you need anything else ask Nurse Miller and I'll see you tomorrow."

Starsky felt the weight leave the bed where the Doctor had been sitting and he strained to listen to the footsteps as they crossed the floor. He hadn't realised just how hard he had been concentrating until he felt the hand holding his squeeze tight and he turned his head as Hutch spoke.

"Starsk, you okay?"

Starky had to stop himself laughing out loud at that. Right now he felt anything but okay. Angry definitely, disorientated a little, but okay was the one thing he couldn't feel and he doubted whether he would ever allow himself the luxury of feeling it again. Instead he allowed the overwhelming feeling of self-pity to rush over him. _'This is it Starsky! This is how it's gonna be for the rest of time. Better get used to it buddy.' _Suddenly Starsky felt another feeling begin to spread through him, and it slowly crept through ever fibre of his entire being until all he wanted to do was hide away from everyone and everything. For the first time in his life Starsky knew what it was like to feel complete and total fear! 

END OF PART TWO.

PART THREE.

CHAPTER ONE.

A month had passed from the day Starsky had finally agreed to have his operation. From the following day he had received intensive training from a specialist nurse who had taken the brunt of Starsky's temper and frustrations. The young man had allowed Starsky to scream and rage against injustice and had become an excellent catch of objects that came flying across the room in his general direction. All the time he had kept calm and plugged on with the angry young man, until finally he had broken through the barriers and the two were at last working together. Hutch had been forced to watch from the outside and his heart had ached for his friend. His whole being wanted to stop the torture Starsky was going through but his common sense told him that it was necessary. It hadn't stopped him having to turn away when his friend had all but begged him to take him home away from Doctors and specialists, if he hadn't he would have gathered Starsky into his arms and fled the confines of the hospital. Instead he stepped back and allowed everyone to do their job during the day. At night he would take their place and Hutch would sit and talk of what was happening in what Starsky now referred to as 'the outside world'.

Somewhere along the line though Starsky had become less angry and more cooperative, as such he began to learn the skills he would require in his dark, new world. It was on days like these that Hutch began to see a little of the Starsky he knew so well returning and it made him feel good. Paul Williams had taken to dropping by occasionally and on those days laughter could be heard emanating from Starsky's room. The laughter though would only remain as long as Paul was around, as soon as he had left Starsky would return to the person he had become since his operation, a quiet, brooding, angry shell that even Hutch was having trouble with.

Hutch walked towards Starsky's room with more than a little trepidation. He had been back at work for a week and that, along with never knowing quite what to expect when he came to see his friend, was beginning to take it's toll. Today though was proving to be even harder. Starsky had been due a visit from the specialists and their verdict could prove damming. Hutch knew that he had promised his friend he would be there but he had been held up in court and the defence attorney refused to let him leave before the jury were out. Hutch had argued until he was blue in the face but to no avail. So it was that Starsky had been forced to face his fate on his own and Hutch knew he had let his friend down, something he had never done before, and it caused him such anguish he hadn't believed possible.

Pausing at the door Hutch took a deep breath to steady his nerves before opening it slowly and calling his friends name. When there was no reply Hutch opened the door fully and strode in, taking in as he did so the empty bed. Starsky was nowhere around. Stepping back out Hutch almost collided with Nurse Miller walking past Starsky's room.

"You're looking in the wrong place Detective Hutchinson. The specialists were finished with him pretty quickly and he's been in the garden ever since." She smiled encouragingly at him. "Where did you get to anyway? Dave was expecting you. He was pretty wound up I can tell you but, thankfully, Paul dropped by and he calmed down. Those two are like a couple of three year olds when they get together but there's no harm in either of them I guess, other than driving everyone around them crazy that is!" She laughed out loud at this and Hutch smiled at her retreating back.

Hutch quickly retraced his steps along the corridors until he came to the garden door. Looking through the glass he could see Starsky sitting on the bench situated underneath the trees. He looked somehow lost and vulnerable sitting there on his own and Hutch hurried through the door and across the garden to join him.

"Starsk, you okay buddy?" Hutch spoke quietly, laying his hand on Starsky's shoulder as he did so. "I'm sorry I wasn't here Starsk. The trial went on and they wouldn't let me leave. I tried but…."

"S'okay Hutch, I know what happened. Dobey phoned. I know you'd have been here if you could have been so don't blame yourself, I don't". Starsky had turned unseeing eyes towards his partners voice and he now half grinned at Hutch.

Hutch felt relief flood through him as he looked at it. It wasn't the full famous Starsky grin that lit up the room and broke the ladies hearts but it was better than nothing and it had been missing a long time. Hutch knew Starsky understood. He also knew that he had Dobey to thank for it.

"So… You gonna tell me what the specialists said or you gonna keep me on tenterhooks all afternoon?" Hutch sat down next to Starsky and waited.

"They said the same as Doc Peters Hutch, everything is fine. The swelling has gone and everything has healed well. It's just a matter of waiting." Starsky's voice was quiet and controlled and Hutch knew that Starsky was having trouble controlling his emotions. He could feel the tense tremors through the hand he still had on Starsk's shoulder.

"There's more isn't there Starsk? What are you holding back this time buddy?"

Hutch watched as Starsky's face became a mask and his fists clench into tight balls that caused his fingers to go white. Starsky rose from the bench and took a couple of steps away from Hutch before continuing.

"They said there is no medical reason why I can't see Hutch. Nothing they can explain away or give a reason for. According to them the only reason I can't see is because I don't want to... If I wanted to hard enough then I'd be able to… At least, that's the simple version of it anyhow. Oh, they covered it up with psychological mumbo jumbo, most of which I didn't really listen too, but the bottom line was, if I want to hard enough then I'll see again." Starsky was forcing the words out and Hutch could see the pain on his face as he did so. Suddenly Starsky was sitting back next to him, his head held down so Hutch had to strain to hear him. "Oh God Hutch! How can they say such a thing? Do they really believe this is what I want! Stumbling around in this world of touch where nothing has any colour or meaning other than what I can imagine in my head. Being afraid to go anywhere 'cause I don't know what might be in the way, or where I'm going." Starsky was quietly allowing the tears to fall unchecked as he spoke. The next thing he said though almost broke Hutch's heart. "Do they really think I don't ever want to see your face again Hutch? You're my best friend and I can't even get a picture of you in my head. How can they say it's because I want it that way?"

Hutch was up in an instant, pulling Starsky in front of him as he did so. Grasping Starsky's hands in his he held them both against his chest.

"Listen to me Starsky. Nothing matters right now but us, 'Me and Thee'. I'm right here with you buddy and I ain't about to leave. Whatever you have to face out there Starsky I'll be right beside you all the way. Right now you're scared and that's pretty understandable but the fear will level off Starsk, until it's manageable. We take this one step at a time buddy, together, same as always. I'll be there to watch your back, partners Starsk. You can't get a picture of me in your head; that's okay; it's understandable too. You're trying to blot me out, not deliberately but sub-consciously, trying to protect me. Well we can do something about that right here and now Starsk." Hutch slowly raised Starsky's hands to his face. "Use what they've taught you Starsk. Use your fingers, same as Paul did to you. Then put me back where I belong."

Hutch held his breath, his eyes never leaving Starsky's face. He thought he understood what Starsky had been told and he wished with all his heart that he had been there. Then he would have been able to make them explain it better than they had done, make Starsky listen harder to what had been said instead of shutting off. Right now he needed to break through the barrier that Starsky had erected around himself. He could feel Starsky's hands trembling as, tentatively at first; then more surely, they gently worked their way across and round his features. By the time Starsky reached his mouth he could begin to see a faint glimmer of hope on his friends face and he allowed himself a gentle smile. Starsky felt the upward movement and he too smiled.

"Hi Hutch, good to have you back Blintz." Starsky dropped his hands and reached out for his partner.

"Good to be back Buddy, good to be back" Hutch took Starskys' arms and pulled him into a hug, holding him firmly. "Now, what say we find out when we can spring you from this joint and take you home?"

Starsky stepped back and hesitated, just for a second, before replying. "I think that's the best idea you've had today Hutch, let's do it."

As Hutch made to head back into the hospital building he felt Starsky's hand on his arm and he stopped, turning to look at him as he did so. He could see the firm set of the chin and it made him feel good. Some of the old Starsky spirit was still in there, fighting to get out and with that behind them he knew Starsky would make it through whatever lay ahead.

"Thanks Hutch" Starsky spoke softly.

"What for Starsk? I didn't do anything."

"For being here. For being who and what you are. For caring Hutch, sometimes it's good to have a 'Mother Hen' around you." So saying Starsky walked slowly but surely back into the hospital leaving a slightly bemused, but happy, Hutch behind.

CHAPTER TWO.

It had taken Hutch almost an hour to organise all the necessary form filling, medical advice and collect Starsky. They had left the hospital, Hutch walking slightly in front, Starsky's right hand on his shoulder, the left holding the white cane he despised so much, swinging it gently from side to side. Hutch had felt the grip on his shoulder tighten just a little as they reached the top of the hospital steps and had felt the almost imperceptible hesitation. He had quietly whispered to Starsky,

"Six steps buddy, take 'em nice and steady, count of three."

He heard Starsky join in on two and knew he was ready to go. 'Three' and both men had stepped slowly but surely down the steps and into the waiting car.

The ride to Starsky's apartment had taken longer as Hutch detoured via his place to collect an overnight bag. Starsky had started to argue but Hutch had insisted and Starsky was secretly glad. Somehow he wasn't ready to face an uncertain future by his self just yet.

The next few hours had been a tremendous strain on both men as Starsky learnt to find his way around his own apartment. A couple of times he had fallen over something and Hutch had caught him before he could hit the floor. Eventually Starsky had become so frustrated with himself that he lashed out almost accidentally hitting Hutch square on the jaw. Hutch had reacted before he could stop himself and for the next half an hour neither man spoke, each quietly seething at the other. Starsky was hurting; he hated being so useless.

Gradually though, the efforts paid off and before both men decided to call it a day and turn in Starsky was moving confidently around the obstacles his furniture created. Before turning out the light that night Hutch reflected that the first battle had been successfully faced and been won. Tomorrow they would face the rest of the war together.

So it had been. Hutch had left for work; Starsky slowly and carefully began to learn the lay out of his own cupboards. When Hutch arrived home that evening he had eaten the food Starsky had managed to prepare without complaint. Later that evening they had taken a stroll around the block, adopting the same method as they had to leave the hospital. Every night for a week they repeated the procedure until Starsky felt comfortable enough for them to venture further. Every time they went somewhere new they would start the process again, Hutch slightly in front, Starskys' hand gently on his shoulder, the cane swinging slightly from side to side.

With each new step Starsky was becoming more and more confident and those around him would comment on it to Hutch. He would smile back, nodding his head, looking for all the world as if he agreed wholeheartedly. What he saw, that Starsky kept hidden from everyone except him, was the dark moods that took his friend over in the depth of the night when he thought no one could see or hear him. Hutch had woken many times that first fortnight, and the occasional night at weekends when he stayed over, to hear his partner berating the turn of fate that had left him useless in his own eyes. When he had tried to talk to Starksy he had seen the dark eyes cloud over and Starsky had skilfully changed the subject. Eventually Hutch had stopped trying, deciding that his friend would talk when he was ready, until then he would do what he always did, hang around, and be there to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

CHAPTER THREE.

Hutch was beginning to feel more confident. Starskys' nights of unrest and bouts of black moods had slowly become less and less, until they were almost non-existent, over the two months since he had left the hospital. He needed his support less and less unless it was to venture somewhere new or any distance that he couldn't walk. Every night Starsky would go for a walk around the park close to his apartment and at weekends the two would take a drive to the beach where Starsky would sit for hours, listening to the sounds around him. Once or twice they had collected Paul and the three would spend the day talking together. In the evenings they would usually end up with a pizza, which they would take back to Hutchs' place and devour it before Paul would sit down at the piano and play for them both.

Hutch arrived early at Starsky's one afternoon, having finished his paperwork earlier than he had expected. Dobey had given him the okay to go and he had wasted no time in leaving. It was a beautiful afternoon and Hutch had decided that he would drive Starsky into the mountains for a treat. Arriving at his friends' apartment Hutch used the key Starsky had given him to let himself in. Looking around he could see no sign of Starsky so he moved further into the room, heading for the small kitchen area to grab a drink. It was as he turned around from the fridge that he caught sight of the phone lying on the floor. Hutch realised that it had been ripped from the wall and it sent a cold shiver down his spine. Dropping his glass into the sink, Hutch sprinted for the bedroom and pushed the door open. Starsky was sitting, curled up on the floor, his head buried into his chest, his hands pushed hard into the thick mass of curls. Hutch took in the trashed room and his partners' defeated posture and his mind began to race as to their cause.

"Starsk!" Hutch knelt beside his friend. "Starsk it's me. Come on buddy, tell me about it."

Hutch watched as Starsky slowly lifted his head and turned it in the direction of his voice. He could see the trace of tears down his friends face and the look of desolation in the eyes._ 'Odd, he thought, that Starsky's eyes, despite their lack of sight, were still the windows to his innermost self!'_

"They're pensioning me off Hutch. It's over, nothing left to fight for any longer." Starsky looked totally defeated as he spoke, "I knew it would have to happen I guess but….a part of me hoped… prayed…that it wouldn't. I'd wake up one morning and everything would be okay again, I'd be able to see. I could be back on the streets, with you Hutch. Too much to dream for I guess."

Starsky paused for breath and Hutch waited, holding his friend, trying to give him back the lost hope. He'd known this day was coming, Dobey had told him a couple of days ago that Starsky would have to face a medical review board sometime soon. He hadn't realised that it would be this soon though. He had hoped for a little time to broach the subject, prepare Starsky for what was to come. Silently he cursed the faceless bureaucrats for their cold-hearted efficiency.

"What am I going to do Hutch, where do I go from here? Starskys voice was so low that Hutch had to strain to hear it. In all their years together Hutch could never remember a time that his friend had lost all hope the way he seemed to have done now.

"Hey buddy, I'll tell you what you're gonna do! First off you're gonna get up off this cold floor. Then you can go fetch me a cold beer while I tidy up some of this mess. Then"…Hutch paused, "Then you and I are going for a long ride into the mountains and we're gonna have a long talk about our future."

Hutch saw the questioning look that crossed his partners' features. Choosing to ignore it he instead pushed Starsky in the direction of the kitchen and began to pick up the pillows, photographs and magazines that covered the floor. He could hear Starsky moving hesitatingly across the apartment and for a fleeting moment a feeling of anger threatened to overwhelm him. He quickly brought it under control realising that it would do neither of them any good to continually rage at the injustice of what had happened to Starsky. Thanks to his Captain, Hutch had had time to think things through and had already made up his mind what he would do, now all he had to do was convince his stubborn friend that it was the best for them both. He knew he would have to be careful how he put it or Starsky would think he was taking pity on him and would refuse even to listen to reason.

Rising from the floor Hutch made his way into the kitchen and picked up the beer that Starsky had left out on the side for him. He suddenly felt, rather than heard, his partner behind him and he turned slowly to face him.

"What did you mean Hutch, just then, about 'our' future?" Starsky was standing in front of him his head slightly to the side the same way he did when he was talking to witnesses. "Forgive me if I'm being a little thick here Blondie but I thought you still had a future. Mine's the one that just came to a pretty abrupt ending, or will do when they pension me off in a couple of days time. You can still be a cop; all you need is a new partner. Or am I missing something here?"

Hutch hesitated before answering.

"No Starsk, your not missing anything…but I've been doing a bit of thinking and it didn't take me long to realise I don't want a new partner." Again Hutch hesitated. "You and I…We're a team buddy, and I don't even want to think about replacing you. So… I put in for my Lieutenants exam. There's an opening coming up when McKenzie retires in a couple of months and Dobey said if I pass then he'll recommend me for the post. It'll mean more money and I figured that, with your pension, we'd be able to afford somewhere bigger for the two of us, somewhere where you could have your own study…."

"What the hell would I want with a study Hutch?" Starskys' voice was quiet and controlled and the alarm bells began to ring inside Hutchs' head.

"Well..I…I thought maybe..." Hutch paused then taking a deep breath he rushed on. "I thought maybe you could go back to school Starsky, become a teacher or something. You're really good with kids and …"

Hutch stopped speaking as he watched his friends face and he braced himself for the explosion that he knew was coming. Starsky was glaring at him, the unseeing eyes seemed to penetrate deep inside him and for a moment Hutch thought that Starsky wanted to hit him. Instead his friend turned and made his way, carefully but quickly, to the door, slamming it firmly behind him.

"_Well Hutchinson, you really blew it this time. Got it all planned out hadn't you? Trouble is you never asked your best friend what he wanted to do. NO! You just jump in there, both feet, and hit him when he's already down." _ Hutch was berating himself, knowing he thoroughly deserved it. He knew it would serve him right if Starsky refused to speak to him. He'd got this all planned out from the moment Dobey had told him about the review board. At the time he'd thought it better to work out all the details beforehand so that he could put it to Starsky and give him time to think about things and consider it properly. Instead, thanks to some eager minded rookie being over zealous, he had been forced to lay it out when Starsky was already low and it had looked to his friend as though Hutch was a part of the plot as it were. Somehow he would have to convince him that he was wrong.

Hutch made for the door, grabbing his friends' coat as he went. Starsky was nowhere in sight but Hutch knew that there were not many places that he felt confident enough to venture to without him. Making for the park he strained his eyes into the distance trying catch a glimpse of his friend but it was futile, Starsky was nowhere in sight. Next Hutch headed for the shopping Mall. It was further than Starsky had walked alone before but it was the only place he could think of. There was a small coffee shop there where he and Starsky had taken to calling in to whenever they went, the booths were small and secluded and Starsky had felt secure enough there in the beginning to allow Hutch to leave him while he went shopping. Hutch hurried towards 'Cathy's Place', his mind going over what he was going to say to his friend. Right now though all he wanted to do was make sure that he was okay. Glancing in through the window Hutch could just make out the owner at the far end of the café. He entered and walked slowly towards her, glancing in the booths as he went. There were a few other people there but Hutch could see no sign of his missing friend. Cathy glanced up as he approached and she smiled at him.

"I wondered where you were. Dave's been here a little while and I was beginning to think you'd forgotten him. Come and sit down, I'll get you both fresh coffee and some of my banana cake then maybe you can sort out whatever's wrong between the two of you." Cathy looked straight at him her eyebrow raised slightly, questioningly.

"Thanks Cathy I'd appreciate that." Hutch held her gaze for a moment before turning to look at Starsky. "Mind if I sit down Starsk?"

CHAPTER FOUR.

Starsky was sitting in the furthest corner of the booth, his head in his hands. As he raised his head to answer his friend Hutch could see the pinched expression on his face. His face was white, making the dark glasses he had hurriedly pulled on as he had left stand out. Hutch knew that Starsky was hurting and he desperately wanted to take him home and try and ease the pain.

"Hey, why ask me what you can do. Seems to me you've got it all figured out Hutch. Just tell me one thing will ya'. How long have you known?" Starskys' voice was clipped and it tore into every fibre of Hutch's being with its coldness.

"Dobey told me it was on the cards a couple of days ago. He wanted me to warn you Starsk. Somehow the chance never came up. What did you want me to do, walk in and say 'Hey buddy you can't be a cop anymore, they're throwing you on the scrap heap?" Hutch paused, and then began again. "I've watched you fight this all the way Starsky. I've heard you in the night raging at the doctors and I've heard you cry when you thought no one could hear. That hurt the most of all Starsk, knowing how much you were hurting and not being able to help without hurting your pride." Hutch had sat opposite Starsky so he could watch his friends face as he spoke. Still all he could see was the pale mask behind which his friend had retreated. "Well you're not the only one who's raged against all this my friend. I lose too you know. Without you out there I'm scared Starsk. Whatever situation we faced I never doubted for one moment that you would be next to me, covering my ass, making sure I got out of it safely. It's not the same anymore Starsky and I don't think.. no.. I KNOW I can't do it without you. So I got to thinking and that's when I came up with my idea. I know it's not perfect, and I know I should have talked it through with you, but I was afraid to bring it up Starsk. I didn't even know where to begin and I was afraid you'd hate the idea." Again Hutch paused. He could see the coldness slowly melting on his partners face and it gave him the confidence to press on. "I'm sorry Starsky. I wasn't trying to organise your life. I just wanted to have something ready to offer you when the crunch came. Blame the 'Mother Hen' in me if you have to but please don't shut me out buddy, I don't think I could take that."

Starsky was rubbing his forehead with his hand and Hutch could see the slight grimace as he did so. As he watched his friend closely he could sense Cathy standing next to their booth with a tray in her hand. For a second his gaze left his friends face and he turned to the young woman and smiled his thanks as she placed two steaming mugs of coffee down in front of them along with two plates containing huge slices of cake.

"Here you go boys. Figured you could do with fattening up a little so I cut 'em extra large. Anything else I can get for my favourite customers?" She flashed a smile at Hutch as she spoke and he was just about to reply when Starsky interrupted.

"Yeh Cathy. You got any aspirin? There's a little man inside my head with a hammer and he won't leave off banging."

Hutch was instantly alerted and he looked closer at his friend. As Cathy turned and disappeared into the kitchen Hutch leant across the table and gently removed the dark glasses from his friends' eyes. As he did so Starsky instantly squinted and turned his head away from the light. A glimmer of hope began to sow itself inside of Hutch and he tried desperately not to let it grow until he was more confident.

"Starsky turn your head back towards me and look at me will ya." Gently he pushed Starsky's face with his hand, turning it slowly back into the light. Cathy returned with the tablets and watched fascinated as Hutch used his hand to block the light then move it again to let it shine directly over his friend. Again Hutch saw the tiniest squint as the light hit Starskys' face. Reaching across to the next booth Hutch grabbed the candle, which stood on the table.

"Matches", Hutch barked at Cathy and for a moment she just looked gone out at him. "Got any matches Cathy?" This time Hutch caught hold of her arms and spoke directly at her. Cathy dropped her order pad and ran back into the kitchen, returning five seconds later with a lit taper, which she used to light the candle.

"Thanks." Hutch dropped back into his seat opposite Starsky and Cathy held her breath watching the scenario in front of her. Hutch lifted the candle and gradually brought it into line with Starsky's face at eye level. As he did so he kept his own eyes firmly fixed on those of his partner. Again Hutch saw the slight squint and it gave him encouragement to repeat it. Moving as close as he dared Hutch slowly held the candle up to Starskys' face one last time and watched his reaction. The coal black pupils retracted to the sudden increase in light and Hutch's heart soared as, yet again his friend squinted at the flame.

"Oh God" Starsky's voice was almost inaudible and his hands began to shake. "Hutch I can see it. It's small and pretty hazy but… I can see it Hutch!"

"Cathy you got a torch in this place?" Hutch turned to the young woman who had remained standing beside them and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes. Tears he knew were reflected in his own.

For a moment the two held each others gaze, then Cathy hurriedly turned and disappeared behind the counter, returning with a torch, which she handed to Hutch. This time, instead of remaining standing, she sat down in the seat next to Starsky and gently reached out to take his hand in hers. Hutch took the torch and switched it on.

"Okay Starsky, let me know what you can see this time". Hutch held his breath and Cathy yelled to her waitress to turn out the overhead lights. Hutch slowly and carefully brought the torch light round until it shone onto their table. Cathy felt Starsky's hand tighten on her own and she grinned at Hutch, gently nodding at him. Hutch slowly lifted the torch until it shone on his own chest, his eyes never leaving that of the dark haired man sitting across the table from him. For now no-one else existed except them and the young woman holding his friends hand. As Hutch watched he saw a long forgotten grin slowly begin to appear on his friends face.

"I… I can see you Hutch. Oh God I can see you. You're a bit hazy round the edges but I can see you." Starsky's face broke out into a million dollar grin that covered his whole features and the tears fell freely down. Hutch finally allowed the tears to escape and roll down his own face as he grinned back into his partners' eyes. Starsky felt a squeeze on his hand and he turned to look at the woman sitting next to him. Cathy too was weeping freely a large tear slowly making its way down her cheek. Starsky raised his hand and gently wiped it from her face. Cupping her chin with his hand he stared hard at the face of the voice he had grown to trust over the last few weeks.

"Hi beautiful." Starsky whispered, not quite in control of his emotions. "It's really good to see you. Even if you are a little fuzzy."

CHAPTER FIVE

Once again Starsky found himself lying in a hospital bed while various Doctors and nurses hovered over him. This time though things were decidedly different. This time he had no objection to all of the various tests and the poking and prodding he usually hated so much. Somewhere over the nurses shoulder he knew Hutch was hovering ready to be there if he needed it and it set him to thinking about the events of the past few weeks.

From that very first day back at the precinct, when this entire nightmare had begun, Hutch had 'been there'. He'd been the one in the firing line when he had lashed out and Starsky felt total regret at hurting his friend. Never had he hit Hutch in anger before and he quietly vowed to himself that he would never do so again. Hutch it was who had stood beside him every step of the way and had put up with his blackest moods and the deep depressions, which had been almost a normal way of daily life for days. Starsky had been angry and he had taken every bit of that anger out on the person closest too him.

Looking back now he knew that he had an awful lot to make up for and he realised that he had no idea where to begin. That morning Starsky had woken with a slight 'niggle' of an ache at the front of his head. He had determined that he wouldn't let Hutch know, he had had more than enough of being fussed over and he knew that Hutch would find some excuse to do it again if he thought it necessary. So it was that he was alone when the telephone call came through informing him that the review board would be sitting and that he would be required to attend on Friday. Starsky knew that the day was inevitably coming when he would be 'retired' on medical grounds but it hadn't made it any easier when the call came. He had let every ounce of anger and frustration out as he had destroyed the room around him, only stopping when there was nothing left to trash. As exhaustion stepped in he had realised the total futility of what he had done and knew that all he had succeeded in doing was to increase the workload of his partner when he returned. It was as he had finally slumped into the corner, head in his hands, that Hutch had arrived.

The more he thought over his actions after that the more he became disgusted with himself. Hutch, he realised now, had agonised over a future for the both of them and he had thrown it all back in his face without even hearing him out properly. As his emotions had raged so his headache had increased until the only thing he could think of to do was run…away from Hutch, away from everything that reminded him of what he once had. He couldn't even remember how he managed to arrive at 'Cathy's Place' only that he was grateful for somewhere he could hide for a while and try to get his head around all that had happened in the last few hours. That was how Hutch had found him.

It was only as Hutch began talking that Starsky had realised that something was different. It seemed to him that the darkness surrounding him, which he had never completely gotten used to, wasn't quite so dark anymore. Starsky needed to be able to look Hutch in the eye so that he knew what he had been saying was true. He trusted Hutch, always had, but this deceit had hurt him deeply and he needed to see that Hutch hadn't set out to deliberately hurt him. The only way to do that was to see Hutch's face; he knew Hutch could never lie to him. What Starsky hadn't realised was the more desperate he became the brighter that small glow in front of him was becoming and the more his head was hurting. It was only when he had finally asked for some aspirin and Hutch had taken his glasses off that he slowly realised what was happening. The small glow that had been hovering above him was the overhead light and that was what was causing his headache to increase, making him squint and turn his head. It was this that Hutch had quickly picked up and had realised before him what was happening.

Now he was lying here, his vision returned and getting stronger by the minute, and it was proving difficult to get used to. Again he thought back, this time to what the specialists had told him before he had left the hospital the last time, and he realised what they had said was true. He could see again and it was because he had wanted, no needed, too. When it came down to it the need for him to see Hutch was the thing which had given him back his sight. Starsky knew he owed Hutch more than he could ever repay. He closed his eyes to fight back the tears that he knew lay just below the surface.

Suddenly Starsky realised that the hubbub around him had ceased and someone was standing over him. Slowly he opened his eyes to see Hutch quietly watching him, a quiet smile on his face. Starsky reached out a hand and Hutch took it in his.

"Hi buddy, how you doing?" Hutch's voice was soft and it matched the smile.

"Hutch, I…I don't know what to say to you. How to make up for…"

"Whoa," Hutch interrupted before Starsky could finish. "There's nothing for you to make up Starsk. Nothing you have to say".

"Yes there is Hutch. I hit out at the only person who didn't deserve it. The one person who has been there all the way. The one person who, ultimately, gave me the one thing I wanted more than anything. The one person I owe more than I can ever repay. Right know I wouldn't blame you if you walked out of here right know and kept going. I don't deserve you as a friend Hutch and I'm truly sorry for all the pain I put you through." Starsky turned his head and half buried it into the pillow.

"Starsk. Starsky, look at me buddy." Hutch reached out and gently turned Starsky's face towards his. He could see the pain deep in his partners' eyes and it made him smile even more. "Listen Starsk, I remember a time when I didn't deserve you for a friend either. You put your neck on the line when Forrest filled me full of that junk. You held me when I was so cold I thought I would freeze where I stood, you kept me sane when I thought I'd lose my mind completely. You fought me every step of the way and you brought me out the other side Starsk. As for the punch, well…maybe you've got a short memory buddy, but I remember flooring you when you tried to tell me about Gillian...I'd say we were just about even wouldn't you?" Hutch paused and watched his partner for some sign that his words were having the required effect. "We're a team Starsky, You and Me. You'd have been there for me just the same if it had been the other way around."

"You don't know that for sure Hutch"

"I do Starsk. I know you…and I know what we have. I know it's something too precious to let words destroy. I've got you back Starsky and, right know, that's all that matters, all that will ever matter. Do you understand what I'm saying Starsk? You said something to me once, something Terry said to you. Remember what it was buddy?"

"Terry said, 'best friends don't have to promise'. Starsky answered quietly, a sad look flicking across his face.

"Yeh, that's it. Well I'm gonna add something to that Starsk. Best friends don't have to say sorry."

For a moment Starsky looked Hutch directly in the eyes, thanking God for the chance to do so again. Then he reached up and gently touched Hutch's cheek.

"Thanks Hutch, for being here and for being who and what you are"

Hutch fought back his own tears as he reached down to the man lying in front of him. Starsky had been through hell and back and once again had pulled thorough. This time it had left a few mental scars that would take a while to heal but he would be there ready to help if Starsky needed it. Gently pushing Starsky's hair back out of his eyes Hutch spoke.

"No Starsk, thank you. For coming back." Smiling he laid Starsky's hand back on the bed. "Get some rest Gordo and I'll be back in the morning to collect you.

As Hutch left the reached the door he turned.

"Hey Starsky you'd better hurry up and get back to your desk buddy Dobey's pretty mad.

Starsky raised his eyebrows questioningly and Hutch answered.

"Your report Starsky. You never did finish it you know."

Hutch ducked as the shoe flew past his head and on into the corridor. Risking pushing his luck just a little further he stuck his head back around the door.

"Maybe I'd better fix up a course at the firing range. Looks as though your aim is a little off as well!"

Starsky could hear Hutch laughing all the way up the corridor and he couldn't help but smile. Closing his eyes he drifted slowly off to sleep with the image of a grinning Hutch on his mind. An image he had thought for a long time that he would never be fortunate enough to ever see again. Starsky knew that he had a lot to be thankful for and tomorrow he would begin to try and repay Hutch for his loyalty. Right now though he was going to sleep.

The end.


End file.
